So I'm posting again because I'm really sad and this is a good distraction. I want it to go away.

And I purged last night after dinner. No idea where it came from, I wish I could pin down the answer so that I would know when another panic attack like that could happen again. I was on the phone while it happened is what's sad.

Would it be crazy to say sometimes I find it so hard to not hate myself? I mean, how selfish can you get? I can't believe that I did that...especially at the time I did it. I don't know, it's not okay, but what am I supposed to do? It's in the past. But it seems to be that the past has caught up with me and keeps holding onto my ankles while I drag it around behind me like a begging, slobbering beast that can't...won't let go.

Anyway, belly dance class tonight was fun. Learned another dance, the longest one yet and I feel confident about it. My mom did something really nice for me and said to me later after class that I was a really good dancer and that my isolations were clean and smooth. And I don't know, it's a mom thing to compliment, but I want to believe this for tonight. I need tonight to be different from last night. I need to have some self esteem.