So we're having a bellydancing show in August. We have six months to prepare and it will be my first official show. It's not really a huge deal but I am so damn excited.

I have deleted my old secret livejournal account today. One that I kept and used to join pro-ana communities and talk to people about "how I really felt" about things. I read through it a bit but stopped before I got too triggered by the content. I can't really relate to her anymore. I was so selfish and stupid. Not oblivious to the harm I was causing though...which makes it worse. I was knowingly doing that to myself. And it seems like I just woke up from a bad dream but I don't feel any better. Today I was thinking about what would happen if I let myself slip back into the disorder. If I let myself lose those twenty or so pounds again. I realized how stupid it would be and how scary it is that I can still fantacize about something so ... selfishly retarded.

I remember going outside and feeling weak, shielding my eyes from the sun and still feeling chilly and just wanting to lie down and die. but I can no longer relate. Like a newborn child, I'm beginning to see the world for the first time. And it's beautiful because it's real, and it could never hurt me as much as I have.