I know, I know it's been a long time, way way way too long since I last wrote. The longer I stay away the harder it is to come back and talk about whtat's going on. And everything is wrong.
My relationship is over, my fault. I cheated and didn't want it. And now he's all sad and hurt and being negative. And my friendship is suffering, she's having fun being anorexic and thin and I'm just sitting here, all fat and jolly and feeling like shit. And she told me that she didn't care about her health, after she promised me she would try for me. Sht lied, she doesn't care about me. And I'm so fat because I wasn't lying, and I was trying. And now I'm so lost. It seems like everything hurts to look at or smile at or think about and it's hurting to stay alive and to keep breathing.

And my school sent in this huge packet of papers for me to fill out that they want back in less than a week. A twenty question survey and a two hour test and an essay and a contract and all these papers to go through and I'm so lost.

And what used to be my best friend, Ned, who used to call me when he was hurt. He's acting like he's going to leave us all and go away forever. And now my other friend doesn't want to hear about it, doesn't want me to talk about it. Not to take about the girl ned is hurting over. The girl who is beautiful, elegant, and just has everything. She has everything and is everything I will never have or be. Everything I could ever hope for.

And then there's him and he's torn my heart in two today and why am I typing like this? Why do I sound like a whiny ungrateful little emo brat? Why am I so sad?

I don't know what's wrong with me.