I'm driving myself insane. The past four hours I've been flipping back and forth through my diet books. I want so badly to go back twenty pounds ago. I'm so afraid of this new girl I am. It's a shame because she's stronger and braver and impressive than the waif I used to be ever was. I just wish I could go back, I feel so disgusting. I need some help from someone. I'm so disgusted, and I really just am LOATHING myself.

I don't know what to do, I'm afraid I'll be miserable either way.

So I'm a big disgusting mess right now that no one will want to clean up. To my friends, I can't ever do anything right. I never say the right thing, I don't call enough, I make the wrong face, I'm being annoying, I wasn't there enough. I'm trying to balance a job here and over four people who have been treating me like shit because I'm not there for them enough. And how am I expected to fix it? I don't know. I guess I could stop sleeping and bathing and doing anything for myself....I still wouldn't be the perfect friend everyone seems to be looking for.

I really want to talk about all the hurtful things that have been said and done these past few weeks, but I know I'll just sound like a whiny brat and it will give people even more of an excuse to be upset at me.

I've been trying so hard, eating a lot and keeping it down. At risk of sounding terribly emo and dramatic, I'm going to admit I have cried myself to sleep every night this week over what I look like. But I haven't given up. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Especially without supposrt. I feel as thought I'm going to explode any second, I can't do all this anymore. But there's someone in my life I promised I'd be healthy for and not be suicidal for, and even though almost every night she threatens me to do that to me, I feel obliged to keep this promise. Of course if she were to read this she would blow up at me about how judgemental and inconsiderate I am for saying that. How mean I am and how she's just a failure and all that. Because every time I speak my mind or let out a little of how I feel to her or anyone else I get yelled at, threatened, hurt and betrayed.

So he won't answer the phone so I stopped calling. I feel embarassed for thinking he would stick around after. I feel embarassed because I'm sure people would roll their eyes to see me worrying over a boy. But it hurts and makes me feel even more fat. Just being around my supposed best friend who has done nothing but make me feel like scum these past few days, I feel so fat around her. It hurst my feelings so much and I don't know if I can handle this anymore.

I'm really sick rignt now and I don't know...I just feel alone. I have nothing to look forward to but tomorrow which should be enough. I mean, I'm healthy and safe. So that's good.