The only thing I seem to be able to do is sleep and hurt people. Tonight was my little bro's last night here. I don't know how I'll cope when he's gone. And when everyone goes back to school except for me. Ceslie will probably be sad and pissed off at me for not being there. And I'll be sad and pissed off at me too.

I'm really sick. Trying to act like it's not a big deal because my brother is getting way depressed. So I'm a fatass now. Yesterday I felt beautiful, now I feel disgusting. Sometimes it seeps down into a suicidal feeling. And then an hour later I'll feel fine. So I don't know how to answer the questions "how are you feeling?" and "how was your day?" My day was a roller coaster, as always.

I have to say I'm a happier person because of all of this. I know what real, true, festering, raw pain is. I know what it's like for it to hurt in your bones, in your soul. I know what it's like to feel okay.

I broke up with my ex boyfriend. Who has been amazing to me even now. I continue to have fights and late night cries with Ceslie. And Claire doesn't know what to say to me, doesn't want to talk right now. I understand. I got to see Brandon again, and it made me feel so much better and whole again.

I'm not skeletal anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and saw a smart person. I saw plump breasts which used to be nonexistant and a smile that was genuine. What I would give for those little moments when things feel okay...

I guess I feel better because I'm listening to a good song right now. "Not Alone" by Augustana.

I feel like it, but I know I'm not.

I just wanted whoever is reading this right now. I've been there and...it's possible to feel beautiful...heaven forbid, okay about gaining weight. It's possible.