I'm afraid that today wasn't so good. Who am I fooling? I'm happy that I got away with not eating, and that makes me ashamed. And I did eat. Not enough though. I've had a very stressful day.

I had a burger for lunch (good). And then nothing else at all today which isn't good. And now it's past midnight and I'm not hungry but I have to eat. But if I do, what if I throw it up? I'm scared because my emotions feel out of my hands. I care about someone so much right now. 

This is starting to feel like love, this feeling. I really care about them, and it makes me ache everywhere. I'm so angry at myself for caring, I just want it all to go away.

We drove for about twenty minutes listening to music saying nothing. I felt so at peace and safe and wanted it to be like that forever. I don't know what's wrong. I can't do this. I can't care, and I just can't stop this. This depression about it, the obsession about it.

The eating habbits have been fine the past three days. I'm behaving like a normal healthy person who has no disordered eating. No physical problems. So as far as anyone knows, nothing is wrong.

I think that I'm deeply infatuated with someone at the moment. And unfortunately I'm getting suicidal at the drop of a hat nowadays. Fortunately, it hasn't ever lasted long enough for me to do anything about it. My sense kicks in, and my total disagreement with suicide never lets me feel like that very long.

I feel empty right now. I'm off meds again, and suddenly things are becoming sicker and clearer. All the same.

Something amazing happened tonight. I became so extremely depressed because I had had a very good day (health wise) and eaten plenty of all the right things and my stomach was bloated and I had that full uncomfy feeling. I was beginning to realize that I was looking bigger and just freaked. I guess that was just the icing on the cake to all the stress I've been feeling. So I got off the phone with my friend and began to sit down and (relapse, basically) write down a food plan for tomorrow based off of three hundred calories, thinking that I needed to lose weight now.

In the middle of all of this, I got up and went over to the mirror to look in terror at my bloated belly. I stripped off my shirt so I could see it in all its glory. And while poking and pinching at my skin in misery I must have sighed or breathed or something that contracted a muscle in my stomach. The same muscle I've been trying to the past six months how to isolate and move for my bellydancing skills to improve. It moved! Suddenly, all thoughts of three hundred calories, fat, thin, or self hatred flew out the window. I spent the last hour or two dancing around and trying on belly dance outfits and just being excited and well...loving myself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I tore up my eating plans. And I saved myself from a relapse on accident.

The real lesson you have to learn here is that you can't sit around and wait for something to happen that will change your mind about this lifestyle. You can't plan on having all these hobbies and passions that you'll go ensue after you get better. Because, in my opinion, finding something to be passionate about is essential to getting better. I'm living proof.

I know, I know it's been a long time, way way way too long since I last wrote. The longer I stay away the harder it is to come back and talk about whtat's going on. And everything is wrong.
My relationship is over, my fault. I cheated and didn't want it. And now he's all sad and hurt and being negative. And my friendship is suffering, she's having fun being anorexic and thin and I'm just sitting here, all fat and jolly and feeling like shit. And she told me that she didn't care about her health, after she promised me she would try for me. Sht lied, she doesn't care about me. And I'm so fat because I wasn't lying, and I was trying. And now I'm so lost. It seems like everything hurts to look at or smile at or think about and it's hurting to stay alive and to keep breathing.

And my school sent in this huge packet of papers for me to fill out that they want back in less than a week. A twenty question survey and a two hour test and an essay and a contract and all these papers to go through and I'm so lost.

And what used to be my best friend, Ned, who used to call me when he was hurt. He's acting like he's going to leave us all and go away forever. And now my other friend doesn't want to hear about it, doesn't want me to talk about it. Not to take about the girl ned is hurting over. The girl who is beautiful, elegant, and just has everything. She has everything and is everything I will never have or be. Everything I could ever hope for.

And then there's him and he's torn my heart in two today and why am I typing like this? Why do I sound like a whiny ungrateful little emo brat? Why am I so sad?

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm driving myself insane. The past four hours I've been flipping back and forth through my diet books. I want so badly to go back twenty pounds ago. I'm so afraid of this new girl I am. It's a shame because she's stronger and braver and impressive than the waif I used to be ever was. I just wish I could go back, I feel so disgusting. I need some help from someone. I'm so disgusted, and I really just am LOATHING myself.

I don't know what to do, I'm afraid I'll be miserable either way.

So I'm a big disgusting mess right now that no one will want to clean up. To my friends, I can't ever do anything right. I never say the right thing, I don't call enough, I make the wrong face, I'm being annoying, I wasn't there enough. I'm trying to balance a job here and over four people who have been treating me like shit because I'm not there for them enough. And how am I expected to fix it? I don't know. I guess I could stop sleeping and bathing and doing anything for myself....I still wouldn't be the perfect friend everyone seems to be looking for.

I really want to talk about all the hurtful things that have been said and done these past few weeks, but I know I'll just sound like a whiny brat and it will give people even more of an excuse to be upset at me.

I've been trying so hard, eating a lot and keeping it down. At risk of sounding terribly emo and dramatic, I'm going to admit I have cried myself to sleep every night this week over what I look like. But I haven't given up. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Especially without supposrt. I feel as thought I'm going to explode any second, I can't do all this anymore. But there's someone in my life I promised I'd be healthy for and not be suicidal for, and even though almost every night she threatens me to do that to me, I feel obliged to keep this promise. Of course if she were to read this she would blow up at me about how judgemental and inconsiderate I am for saying that. How mean I am and how she's just a failure and all that. Because every time I speak my mind or let out a little of how I feel to her or anyone else I get yelled at, threatened, hurt and betrayed.

So he won't answer the phone so I stopped calling. I feel embarassed for thinking he would stick around after. I feel embarassed because I'm sure people would roll their eyes to see me worrying over a boy. But it hurts and makes me feel even more fat. Just being around my supposed best friend who has done nothing but make me feel like scum these past few days, I feel so fat around her. It hurst my feelings so much and I don't know if I can handle this anymore.

I'm really sick rignt now and I don't know...I just feel alone. I have nothing to look forward to but tomorrow which should be enough. I mean, I'm healthy and safe. So that's good.

The only thing I seem to be able to do is sleep and hurt people. Tonight was my little bro's last night here. I don't know how I'll cope when he's gone. And when everyone goes back to school except for me. Ceslie will probably be sad and pissed off at me for not being there. And I'll be sad and pissed off at me too.

I'm really sick. Trying to act like it's not a big deal because my brother is getting way depressed. So I'm a fatass now. Yesterday I felt beautiful, now I feel disgusting. Sometimes it seeps down into a suicidal feeling. And then an hour later I'll feel fine. So I don't know how to answer the questions "how are you feeling?" and "how was your day?" My day was a roller coaster, as always.

I have to say I'm a happier person because of all of this. I know what real, true, festering, raw pain is. I know what it's like for it to hurt in your bones, in your soul. I know what it's like to feel okay.

I broke up with my ex boyfriend. Who has been amazing to me even now. I continue to have fights and late night cries with Ceslie. And Claire doesn't know what to say to me, doesn't want to talk right now. I understand. I got to see Brandon again, and it made me feel so much better and whole again.

I'm not skeletal anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and saw a smart person. I saw plump breasts which used to be nonexistant and a smile that was genuine. What I would give for those little moments when things feel okay...

I guess I feel better because I'm listening to a good song right now. "Not Alone" by Augustana.

I feel like it, but I know I'm not.

I just wanted whoever is reading this right now. I've been there and...it's possible to feel beautiful...heaven forbid, okay about gaining weight. It's possible.