I'm back with my old, old therapist. The one before the specialist. I visited with him and he told me he was proud of me, and all that stuff. Lying through my teeth. I don't know. Don't have the right to say I want help when I lie when people want to help me. Fear. It's gone now which could be a bad thing.

You know what I'm afraid of now? Feelings. I guess sometimes they seem to make you do things, become things. I used to think they made me. But see, we have control over that. Maybe not what we feel, but how we react, we do. And I'm not even going to pretend that I don't miss it. I probably don't make sense.

I can't figure out what to do. I have two choices and neither of them sound appealing. But what else do you do when you're in this place that you can't see? What do you do when people look to you to make it better and you look away so that you don't start crying?

I think you tell the truth. But what if telling the truth and looking someone in the eye...what if it hurt so badly in your gut when you did that you were terrified of the truth? And then what if suddenly your fear is gone, along with all other feelings?

And then what if you can't decide what to do, and you don't understand what's going on?

What if you're just one big lie that's getting old?