Damnit, relapse.

Suicidal crap is what I've been drowning in, barely keeping my head up long enough to get a few gulps of air, and then getting dragged back down under the current again.

Too many people expect too many things from me...this hurts so much. Markus won't stop. He reads my poetry, calls me every day and says all these nice things. Keeps saying he wants to be with me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I want people to stop liking me, stop screwing up everything.

He just texted me again and I'm scared. I'm afraid because he's getting angry again and jesus, what am I supposed to do? I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't want to hurt Ceslie's feelings, but everything I say does. And when it's not that, she's hurting mine. And Peter and Audrey and Jacob and Claire and Brandon and all the people at school who keep writing me and saying they'll miss me and how could I leave them? I don't know how I could leave them, damnit! I'm not the bad guy here. I hurt just as much, if not more, than they do about this. They'll still get to see each other everyday. ALREADY people are ignoring me, I'll be such an outcast by the end of the semester. And it hurts.

It hurts that I can't ever post anything freaking positive on this damn journal.

And I can't stop eating, I'm huge and my best friend is losing weight. I feel like a horrible person.

And I wish people stopped expecting so much from me, especially myself.

He just texted me two more times.

Sweet Jesus. These past few weeks have been so, so, so, SO amazingly hard. I saw my therapist again, he and I talked it out and both agreed that homeschool would be best for me right now (the other option being flunking out). I spent a good few days crying it all out, trying to decide how to tell my friends, worrying over how they would respond. I don't know.

Had some very, very painful talks with my best friend. We are neither good nor bad right now, I think, we just are. And I kind of like it like that, you know?

Christmas is so close. I don't have anything for my mom. At all.

I spent almost every day of this past week logging onto this site...sitting there staring at the empty text box, wanting to write something, wanting to just empty it all out, tell you guys how much pain I've been in. But the words don't come out because I've been ashamed. I feel like I can't do anything right.

My mom and I got into it last night. She expressed how I'm a screw-up at life. And I took it okay until she left, I didn't want her to see me cry.

I promise not to take so long at updating anymore, it really hasn't done me any good to stay away from this site, honestly.

On the brighter side, I just had a real Mountain Dew, not diet. Delicious.

I've missed the past three days of school, and I know I should be failed. My mom is going to sign me up for homeschool in like a day if I don't start going to school. It shouldn't be so hard. So many other people have huge problems and they still somehow get up and go to school. I don't know why it's so hard for me to go. I don't get it. And I don't want to leave everyone, they're like my only connection to the world.

Anyway, been very sad lately. But things are going to get better. I know that they are going to get better.

I'm back with my old, old therapist. The one before the specialist. I visited with him and he told me he was proud of me, and all that stuff. Lying through my teeth. I don't know. Don't have the right to say I want help when I lie when people want to help me. Fear. It's gone now which could be a bad thing.

You know what I'm afraid of now? Feelings. I guess sometimes they seem to make you do things, become things. I used to think they made me. But see, we have control over that. Maybe not what we feel, but how we react, we do. And I'm not even going to pretend that I don't miss it. I probably don't make sense.

I can't figure out what to do. I have two choices and neither of them sound appealing. But what else do you do when you're in this place that you can't see? What do you do when people look to you to make it better and you look away so that you don't start crying?

I think you tell the truth. But what if telling the truth and looking someone in the eye...what if it hurt so badly in your gut when you did that you were terrified of the truth? And then what if suddenly your fear is gone, along with all other feelings?

And then what if you can't decide what to do, and you don't understand what's going on?

What if you're just one big lie that's getting old?

And I wish there was something
Please tell me there's something better
And I wish there was something more than this
Saturated loneliness

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
Abduct it, corrupt it, but I never can
It's just saturated loneliness

And the bath waters cold
And this life's getting old

And I wish I could feel it
And I wish I could steal it
And I wish I could feel it
Abduct it, corrupt it
But I never can
I never can
Never Can
Never Can
Never Can

So many things on the outside world. But all I feel like writing about is what's going on inside.

I need help. I'm slipping. I'm slipping back and I just...have lost the fight in me. I don't know, I hurt everywhere.

I don't know what's wrong, I'm so sad. Not numb anymore but sad. So, so sad. I don't want to do anything anymore, it's been like this for a while and I've been trying so hard to fight it. I gave it almost everything in me, and I came back wounded and I can't get back up. And I wish someone would see. And I wish that when they did...I would let them help. I don't want it, but I need it.

She's creeping up from inside my heart. It aches from the trying and trying to make everyone happy. It aches from the want. The shame. 13. And I claw at my eyes to make her stop but she's digging her way up and out of my stomach and she's trying to kill me. And I realize that she is me and I want her to take all of me.

Just get me out of here. Just take me away.

I can't escape the obsession or the food. The people in my life, I sometimes wish they would go away so I wouldn't have to feel this. And sometimes I wish they would never leave me.

I have to get out of this. I feel trapped by myself. I have to get out.

We had a really nice time. He treated me like a gentleman would. And it confused me. I don't think any guy has ever done that. I kept wanting him to make that face that all of them usually do and take advantage of me. I kept hoping he would just get it over with and hurt me. And he didn't. It...confused me. In a sick way, it worried me. I wanted to be used because it makes me feel usless, which somehow makes me happy. I'm so used to...someone just taking me and using my body like they want. And it confused me and hurt me, he was being nice and polite and I just wanted him to screw me over so that I could hate him. But I can't, he was so nice. So I went home and bawled in happiness and confusion and hurt. I couldn't stop crying, because it was so traumatizing...being treated right by a dude. Haha, I think that's sick. I mean, I was so suprised. We pulled out into an empty parking lot and I thought, "here it comes..." and instead we watched the stars and talked. And I spilled too much of what I was thinking. And it's embarassing.

And he kissed me. And that was it. That was it, he just wanted to sit with me. And it was so amazing and so painful. I just don't get it. I don't get why he didn't try anything, that's what he was supposed to do. Haha, that sounds so stupid, but it's what I was thinking.