have been shit. Thank you, thank you very much. They just have and it's sucked. But whatever. I don't really have anything else to say right now. Well, yes, I do. But I don't want to talk about it. So whatever.

Can't seem to take even my own help.

These past four days of my life have been full of all the ups and downs and dramatics I could ever imagine. Not to mention emotions. I have swallowed and purged and indulged and avoided and restricted every emotion possible though food. And as always now that I'm done and I've run out of room and bullshit to use to hide from all of the pain, I am here and I'm alone and so surrounded by myself and everyone at the same time.

Friday night: Amazing. I spent time with some amazing people. I ate pizza and I laughed my skinny ass off and I didn't regret any of it. Jacob and Brandon...I can eat around them, I can forget myself and her and what she wants when I'm around them. Even if the food hurts my stomach because it's not used to it. It's going to have to get used to it.

Sunday night: Watched an awesome movie. My best friend falls into a hell hole of emotions that I can recognize in the blink of an eye. She was like a mirror image of myself when I got back from the hospital. Kicking, screaming, crying. Pushing it all to the limit. Silently shrieking for change and for nothingness....I know this. I have felt it. So I told her what I've always wanted to tell myself. And then we almost made love. And for a moment I could feel all of me. My fingertips and my toes and my tongue were all a part of me that I loved and could connect to...no longer foreign objects I had to learn to control. Mine. It was right. We stopped. But it was okay.

Monday: The hell hole is back. I feel myself being sucked into it. I have a date with a new guy who I am not interested in, but I need his attention. I need someone to want me so I can turn them down, I need someone to use me so I can play the victim. That is how shallow I can sometimes be. My friend is unresponsive to anything I say, depressed, an empty shell. And I know I did something wrong. She explodes at me later that night, takes it back almost immediately. But I know that those hurtful words were the most truthful things she's said to me in days. "Your act is blown". Maybe it is.

Today I miss school and talk to Markus, he's picking me up around six. I've eaten a bowl of cereal and I'm looking at the facade I've created. So perfect and beautiful. I have a job, a potential boyfriend, a life. I've got it all together.

It's funny how so many people are okay with playing the victims in life. Of course, it's easier sometimes because we're used to it. We're familliar with the feelings of despair, betrayal, and depression. But I hope someday that we'll all try to be the positive ones. The ones who smile when they feel despair. The ones who give because they have felt loss. And the people who learn to be happy because the world is full of so much sadness.

Even if now I am friendless, even if she doesn't believe I care, I know that I do care. I care so much now about myself, them, the world...everything. And no one can take that away from me.

I used to think taht getting out of this labrynth of worries and fears and self hatred would be the hardest part of working towards a normal life again. Now I realize that that's just the tip of the iceburg.

See, once you get out of all the darkness and break to the surface of what's "real", you look around like a newborn baby and you feel confused, weak, helpless. You look around and feel like a little Freshman experiencing her first day at a big campus. Once you get out of the warped mindset, you realize that overcoming the twisted frame of mind about yourself doesn't finish the batte. No...now you have to start over and recreate yourself. You have to learn how to use new coping skills, new ways of thinking, reacting, and feeling. It's scary and sometimes you'll need a hand to hold. That's my biggest problem - accepting help.

I was noticing my stomach...how I have a tummy again, today. There are mixed feelings there. I think that I look good with it, healthier, my clothes still fit and stuff. Some of them are even still too big. And then the other part of me feels ashamed, wants to get right back to fasting, wants to throw this all up. This poison. But it's not poison, it's what's keeping me alive. And I want to live, I've just got to figure out what to live for now.

Your post hit me like a lightning bolt. Sometimes I forget anyone is even reading my posts and I get so caught up in myself that I forget that I'm not the only one going through this. It makes me feel so...alive to be told that I'm recovering. I really needed to hear that from someone other than myself. And I'd have to say, with all my heart, that you're recovering too. Especially since you can say all of those wise things. Even through all the self hate and that confusion, there is one thing that is constant and worthwhile in front of us like a light, and that is life and recovery and living.

See, I had a bit of trouble after my last few days after my last post. I began to fall back into the purging cycle and I got very weak for a few days. I got caught up in this depression that was pulling me in, and soon all I could think about was what I failure I was. A failure at getting better, at being thin, at living, at being a good friend. I had belly dancing class last night and I went out for pizza with my best friend. And something in me sparked, a real thing called happiness that I haven't felt in a long, long time. Real happiness, that had nothing to do with a number on the scale of a skipped meal. That was a miracle. I had two slices of pizza. Two. And I didn't throw them up. I kept something down for the first time in three days, and I felt so much better. Not worse, like I had been telling myself I would if I let myself eat.

Anyway, the point of this is that it didn't end perfectly. I got really depressed in the middle of the night after waking up over a bad dream. It was a rough night, but I pulled through and here I am. And I got up this morning and read Through the Looking Glass's post and I feel so much better. SO thank you. And here's to today, and all of the days that will follow.