Everything I do...God, what is wrong with me? We were going to go out to eat, we get to the restaurant, my mom says she's getting take out instead. I ask why and she says, "I don't want to spend the money to sit down if you're just going to puke it up." And my little sister just acts like nothing's going on, and ignores us like we're not there. And I just wish I didn't do this to my family. I just wish that I wasn't around to hurt my family.

And I just so badly want to get all my friends presents, really nice ones so that maybe they'll have a fraction of an idea about how much I love them. I love them so much, jeez, now I'm crying. It just touches me so much to think that people would hang around me like that, people want to know how my day was...and I'm so thankful. But I can't afford to get them all presents, but I'm going to try. I think if I skip my hair appoitment I can do it. I've been looking foward to this for so long. I just wish they knew, I wish they all knew that I need them, even though I don't act like it. I can't. It's scary.

There were three pills left and I threw them out.

Claire deleted me off of myspace. She stopped trying to call me. She probably got her hopes up every ring. She probably pressed her ear into the reciever, hoping I'd pick up...like I used to when I'd call Ned. She probably stared dully, empty at the phone when my obnoxious, slutty voice came on with the answering machine. And then one day, she just gave up. I don't blame her. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I guess I was expecting some kind of...goodbye before she cut me out permanantly. I don't deserve one, but I don't know. I want to write her, call her. But why? So I can stop picking up again? Get her hopes up one more time...and then do it all over again. I know it will happen.

I hope she finds a friend who tells her the truth when she asks them about their day. I hope she can find a friend who has time for her, who really shows her how beautiful she is. God, she is so beautiful and pure and sweet. And she has a disgusting whoreish friend who either lying, puking, or sleeping 24/7. Oh, my god...this is just too painful. This is just too painful.

I feel like I'm going to explode. We wrote stories about how we wanted it to be, we were elves and ...Oh, my god....

I don't know what to do, I don't know. What the hell is wrong? I'm freaking out and my mom keeps saying take the medecine...take the meds. Please, mom, just hug me. Please don't shove pills down my throat, hug me for once.

I'm such a drama queen. The thing is if I could be a normal, decent person, I would be fine. Because there is nothing wrong. There is not a god damn thing that is wrong, and I'm tired of people asking, my teachers keep pulling me aside asking. What is wrong? Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong except me. I just don't know how to do the simplist, simplist thing. I don't know how to live. I don't get it, I don't know.

I can't stop and I can't ...I can't. I don't know.

Nobody deserves this. I wish everyone stopped caring. I wish Ceslie and Claire and Jacob and Brandon and Jason and Audrey and everyone would stop caring. Stop calling me. It hurts so much. It hurts so much for you to care, I can't. I can't do this. I can't do anything. I hurt you and I can't do this. I can't.