I wish I were a stronger person, and I wish I could do everything at once. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I can't rely on my looks to get me by anymore, I'm getting pudgy and looking like an overstuffed sausage. Woke up last night because someone was crying, bawling crying and it scared me, I couldn't find where it was coming from. I realized it was me, which made me cry more. I am this thing I can't figure out. My body scares me. Every morning I try so hard not to cry when I put on my clothes and see myself in the mirror, I can see how big I'm getting, I'm trying to keep it together. Because it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter what I look like. But it matters to me, it matters so much.

I can't describe this kind of pain, this kind of fear. It eats you up and makes you feel dead and numb and stupid and ugly. And it makes you wish you were just...gone.