So what am I supposed to say about this. It's been a cycle and a pattern lately. It's been gaining weight and not caring and then freaking out and then not caring. It's been others around me freaking out and saying goodbye and then begging me to say hello again. It's been new friends and old friends and hated friends. It's been songs put on repeat to keep me sane, or appearing sane. It's been a week off the scale and the fear of ever, ever stepping back on again. It's been jumping off a cliff and landing with a suprise, safely on the ground...only to realize, I have such a long road ahead of me from here.

It's been painful, you know. Just a week has been painful. And I haven't posted in a long time for fear of saying anything for certain, because nothing is a certainty, and it's scary. But it's also so much fun.

If I could wrap all this up into one feeling, then I wouldn't. Because I've just realized I don't just want thin anymore. I don't just want one thing, because my life doesn't have one sole purpose. I'm so much better than that. My life is every purpose I want it to be, it's all up to me.

And that's scary, and exciting.