I had sex and lost my virginity to some random guy named Markus about a week ago. I'm not even that upset about it anymore, I'm upset about my weight. It's...it's scary. I feel so out of control. What am I supposed to do?

I know I'm not in  my right mind because I've been thinking about some things that I know a healthy person would not. But I mean, why can't I cut off my lips? It would mean no more eating and no one would want to look at me anymore. And I could get away and no one would bother me and I would be so ugly, that my weight wouldn't matter. No one would want me anyhow.

I want to just...I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't want anything.

I don't know what to do. I hurt everywhere. I just hurt. I want to cry so badly, but what good will it do? I can't escape myself, and I don't know who to go to. I just want this to all go away, I need to go away.

I don't know what to do. I don't know, everything is wrong. I'm so afraid and I think my meds are making me paranoid. I can't calm down and it's just one panic attack leading into another and then numbness, and then misery, and then another panic attack.

Oh my god, I need someone. I hurt.