Can't seem to take even my own help.

These past four days of my life have been full of all the ups and downs and dramatics I could ever imagine. Not to mention emotions. I have swallowed and purged and indulged and avoided and restricted every emotion possible though food. And as always now that I'm done and I've run out of room and bullshit to use to hide from all of the pain, I am here and I'm alone and so surrounded by myself and everyone at the same time.

Friday night: Amazing. I spent time with some amazing people. I ate pizza and I laughed my skinny ass off and I didn't regret any of it. Jacob and Brandon...I can eat around them, I can forget myself and her and what she wants when I'm around them. Even if the food hurts my stomach because it's not used to it. It's going to have to get used to it.

Sunday night: Watched an awesome movie. My best friend falls into a hell hole of emotions that I can recognize in the blink of an eye. She was like a mirror image of myself when I got back from the hospital. Kicking, screaming, crying. Pushing it all to the limit. Silently shrieking for change and for nothingness....I know this. I have felt it. So I told her what I've always wanted to tell myself. And then we almost made love. And for a moment I could feel all of me. My fingertips and my toes and my tongue were all a part of me that I loved and could connect to...no longer foreign objects I had to learn to control. Mine. It was right. We stopped. But it was okay.

Monday: The hell hole is back. I feel myself being sucked into it. I have a date with a new guy who I am not interested in, but I need his attention. I need someone to want me so I can turn them down, I need someone to use me so I can play the victim. That is how shallow I can sometimes be. My friend is unresponsive to anything I say, depressed, an empty shell. And I know I did something wrong. She explodes at me later that night, takes it back almost immediately. But I know that those hurtful words were the most truthful things she's said to me in days. "Your act is blown". Maybe it is.

Today I miss school and talk to Markus, he's picking me up around six. I've eaten a bowl of cereal and I'm looking at the facade I've created. So perfect and beautiful. I have a job, a potential boyfriend, a life. I've got it all together.

It's funny how so many people are okay with playing the victims in life. Of course, it's easier sometimes because we're used to it. We're familliar with the feelings of despair, betrayal, and depression. But I hope someday that we'll all try to be the positive ones. The ones who smile when they feel despair. The ones who give because they have felt loss. And the people who learn to be happy because the world is full of so much sadness.

Even if now I am friendless, even if she doesn't believe I care, I know that I do care. I care so much now about myself, them, the world...everything. And no one can take that away from me.