I used to think taht getting out of this labrynth of worries and fears and self hatred would be the hardest part of working towards a normal life again. Now I realize that that's just the tip of the iceburg.

See, once you get out of all the darkness and break to the surface of what's "real", you look around like a newborn baby and you feel confused, weak, helpless. You look around and feel like a little Freshman experiencing her first day at a big campus. Once you get out of the warped mindset, you realize that overcoming the twisted frame of mind about yourself doesn't finish the batte. No...now you have to start over and recreate yourself. You have to learn how to use new coping skills, new ways of thinking, reacting, and feeling. It's scary and sometimes you'll need a hand to hold. That's my biggest problem - accepting help.

I was noticing my stomach...how I have a tummy again, today. There are mixed feelings there. I think that I look good with it, healthier, my clothes still fit and stuff. Some of them are even still too big. And then the other part of me feels ashamed, wants to get right back to fasting, wants to throw this all up. This poison. But it's not poison, it's what's keeping me alive. And I want to live, I've just got to figure out what to live for now.