Everything I do...God, what is wrong with me? We were going to go out to eat, we get to the restaurant, my mom says she's getting take out instead. I ask why and she says, "I don't want to spend the money to sit down if you're just going to puke it up." And my little sister just acts like nothing's going on, and ignores us like we're not there. And I just wish I didn't do this to my family. I just wish that I wasn't around to hurt my family.

And I just so badly want to get all my friends presents, really nice ones so that maybe they'll have a fraction of an idea about how much I love them. I love them so much, jeez, now I'm crying. It just touches me so much to think that people would hang around me like that, people want to know how my day was...and I'm so thankful. But I can't afford to get them all presents, but I'm going to try. I think if I skip my hair appoitment I can do it. I've been looking foward to this for so long. I just wish they knew, I wish they all knew that I need them, even though I don't act like it. I can't. It's scary.

There were three pills left and I threw them out.

Claire deleted me off of myspace. She stopped trying to call me. She probably got her hopes up every ring. She probably pressed her ear into the reciever, hoping I'd pick up...like I used to when I'd call Ned. She probably stared dully, empty at the phone when my obnoxious, slutty voice came on with the answering machine. And then one day, she just gave up. I don't blame her. I didn't know it would hurt this much. I guess I was expecting some kind of...goodbye before she cut me out permanantly. I don't deserve one, but I don't know. I want to write her, call her. But why? So I can stop picking up again? Get her hopes up one more time...and then do it all over again. I know it will happen.

I hope she finds a friend who tells her the truth when she asks them about their day. I hope she can find a friend who has time for her, who really shows her how beautiful she is. God, she is so beautiful and pure and sweet. And she has a disgusting whoreish friend who either lying, puking, or sleeping 24/7. Oh, my god...this is just too painful. This is just too painful.

I feel like I'm going to explode. We wrote stories about how we wanted it to be, we were elves and ...Oh, my god....

I don't know what to do, I don't know. What the hell is wrong? I'm freaking out and my mom keeps saying take the medecine...take the meds. Please, mom, just hug me. Please don't shove pills down my throat, hug me for once.

I'm such a drama queen. The thing is if I could be a normal, decent person, I would be fine. Because there is nothing wrong. There is not a god damn thing that is wrong, and I'm tired of people asking, my teachers keep pulling me aside asking. What is wrong? Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong except me. I just don't know how to do the simplist, simplist thing. I don't know how to live. I don't get it, I don't know.

I can't stop and I can't ...I can't. I don't know.

Nobody deserves this. I wish everyone stopped caring. I wish Ceslie and Claire and Jacob and Brandon and Jason and Audrey and everyone would stop caring. Stop calling me. It hurts so much. It hurts so much for you to care, I can't. I can't do this. I can't do anything. I hurt you and I can't do this. I can't.

Oh, my god. oh my god.

I found the most terrible/wonderful thing last night. See, I've been up all night and I was digging around in my room and stuff. I found them. I found the hidden secret stash of emergency diet pills. Six left. Only six. I can make that last. I could do it...what do I do?
Oh my god...what do I do?

I've been off them cold turkey for like a week, and it's been hard...and wow, they're here. Wow.

I really, really, really need them. I'm gonna go insane. I know what I should do. I should flush them down the toilet, that's what I should do.
All my hard work this summer is going down the toilet instead. And my stomach is so huge. Argh, I dunno what to do!

I'm going insane, I guess it's the no sleep. I don't know, I have to go to school.
I might just take one with some tea...and maybe one at lunch.

I don't know, jeez.

I took my new (doubled in dosage again) meds and crashed. I didn't get up til four in the AFTERNOON. So of course I missed school and a test. I made it to work - late. I feel stragely numb about everything. I feel nothing. This medicine makes me feel nothing, and it's miserable. I feel like I need a vacation, away from everything. But I just got of vacation! I guess what I really need is a vacation from myself.

You know, it's been so hard to have any kind of relationship with anyone these past few weeks. I'm completey consumed in either staying healthy or losing weight or not losing weight. Consumed. And the ones around me don't understand that. They take it as a personal attack, and you know...I'm trying to do this balancing act of keeping everyone around me happy, but the truth is, I would like to be left alone to figure this out. It seems like my friends watch every move I make, and if they don't like one little thing, they blow up and freak out and accuse me of stuff. It's not really fair, because I never do that to any of them. I let them to what they need to, what makes them safe and happy....but for some reason everyone rests the job of keeping everything in tact and perfect on me...as if I'm super human and it's my job to keep it all in one piece. I'm just human, barely.

I've lost weight since my trip to Texas. That is so suprising, seeing as I was expecting to have gained, I ate a whole lot. I just didn't care. When I'm around them, I just don't care...I eat when I'm hungry and don't when I'm not.

You know, it's so hard to tell when I'm hungry. I get hungry mixed up with sad...hurt...lonely...bored. I never know if I want to eat because I'm having a bad day...or because I really am hungry. It's so confusing and hard when it comes to eating. Because there's the guilt and the control and all of that.

So close, and I wonder...should I open up Pandora's box? I have the chance...I do.

I just got back from Texas. I had an amazing time, and froze my ass off.

I think there's something wrong with me. Haha...well, of course there is. I've never met a person who didn't have a few things wrong with them. I'm obsessed with the song "White Houses" by Vanessa Carlton right now. I used to hate that song. But now I can relate to it, and I don't know. I think I've changed too much.

I know things never happen at the right time for anyone. Timing is always off because we can't control it, nothing ever happens perfectly, or at a good time for someone. It's always wrong. And I'm changing so fast. I'm feeling things I don't know how to concieve. I'm hungering for things I didn't know were possible. And things that seemed wrong and scary are becoming a huge possibility. And I'm so excited and terrified at the thought of a tomorrow just like today, only new. Different. I'm different. I can't pinpoint one emotion or situation within myself.

I can't tell what I feel, but it's something. Something is there and warm inside me and I can feel her dying, hurting, shrieking inside of me. It's terrible and it's painful. And i can feel a new, bright eyed girl trying to push her way up. And the real me is numb and doesn't want to do this, doesn't want to give anything up. And I feel as though I'm watching it all happen from outside.

My period came last night. I'm not pregnant. And I'm not starving to death.
It's the little things...

I wish I were a stronger person, and I wish I could do everything at once. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

I can't rely on my looks to get me by anymore, I'm getting pudgy and looking like an overstuffed sausage. Woke up last night because someone was crying, bawling crying and it scared me, I couldn't find where it was coming from. I realized it was me, which made me cry more. I am this thing I can't figure out. My body scares me. Every morning I try so hard not to cry when I put on my clothes and see myself in the mirror, I can see how big I'm getting, I'm trying to keep it together. Because it shouldn't matter, it shouldn't matter what I look like. But it matters to me, it matters so much.

I can't describe this kind of pain, this kind of fear. It eats you up and makes you feel dead and numb and stupid and ugly. And it makes you wish you were just...gone.

I'm back at my original weight from what seems so long ago. 110. It's a scary weight. It's the weight that it seems I was always a failure in. I was always too big and too much at that weight. So now comes the time to convince myself and the world that I'm not a failure.

She's screaming inside of me, "Get me out, you're killing me. Stop before you kill me!" My body feels like it's dying. It's not used to this. It's  not used to three meals, and a normal exercise routine and sleep. It thinks it's dying. She thinks I'm killing her. And she's right, I am.

I'm killing all those thoughts that she spoon fed me for so long. I'm murdering all the doubt and the pain she let consume both me and her. I'm massacring the thoughts of starvation one notion at a time. And she's fighting back, but she's getting weaker because I'm getting stronger.

And in a way, I will miss her. For a long time, she was my only friend. She was the only person I could confide in. When things got tough, she would pick me up and hold me and tell me what I needed to do to make things right. She would push me forward and encourage me to keep goind. For a while...she was all I lived for. All I cared about.

So in a way, it hurts more than anything. God it hurts like hell. And I'll miss her.

So what am I supposed to say about this. It's been a cycle and a pattern lately. It's been gaining weight and not caring and then freaking out and then not caring. It's been others around me freaking out and saying goodbye and then begging me to say hello again. It's been new friends and old friends and hated friends. It's been songs put on repeat to keep me sane, or appearing sane. It's been a week off the scale and the fear of ever, ever stepping back on again. It's been jumping off a cliff and landing with a suprise, safely on the ground...only to realize, I have such a long road ahead of me from here.

It's been painful, you know. Just a week has been painful. And I haven't posted in a long time for fear of saying anything for certain, because nothing is a certainty, and it's scary. But it's also so much fun.

If I could wrap all this up into one feeling, then I wouldn't. Because I've just realized I don't just want thin anymore. I don't just want one thing, because my life doesn't have one sole purpose. I'm so much better than that. My life is every purpose I want it to be, it's all up to me.

And that's scary, and exciting.

I had sex and lost my virginity to some random guy named Markus about a week ago. I'm not even that upset about it anymore, I'm upset about my weight. It's...it's scary. I feel so out of control. What am I supposed to do?

I know I'm not in  my right mind because I've been thinking about some things that I know a healthy person would not. But I mean, why can't I cut off my lips? It would mean no more eating and no one would want to look at me anymore. And I could get away and no one would bother me and I would be so ugly, that my weight wouldn't matter. No one would want me anyhow.

I want to just...I don't know. I don't know what I want. I don't want anything.

I don't know what to do. I hurt everywhere. I just hurt. I want to cry so badly, but what good will it do? I can't escape myself, and I don't know who to go to. I just want this to all go away, I need to go away.

I don't know what to do. I don't know, everything is wrong. I'm so afraid and I think my meds are making me paranoid. I can't calm down and it's just one panic attack leading into another and then numbness, and then misery, and then another panic attack.

Oh my god, I need someone. I hurt.