So I just completed my first day as a worker at The Book Nook, the family buisness. I think it's going to be a success, and I'm proud of my mom and all of her strength as a single mother. I wonder if I could do what she does, every day. It takes a truly strong individual to do something like that.

Last night we had a sleepover at the shop and I brought some soup and ate some of the cookies and crackers my friend brought. Purged, clogged the drain. No one knows, they think it's just acting up. Anyway, I'm typing on the run, I'll update later. today was good. 

I'm always saying that what scares me to the most is to become "fat". I always tell myself that if I eat, I will get fat. And I also tell myself this:
If I get fat, no one will like me.
If I get fat, no one will date me.
If I get fat, no one will love me.
If I get fat, I will be worthless.
If I get fat, I will be jobless.
If I get fat, I won't be beautiful.
If I get fat, people will judge me.
If I get fat, my life will be over.

And yet...none of that is true. And I know it.

So what is it that I'm really afraid of? I say I want to be thin, I am. My doctor, my friends, my family...they all say I am. Logic says I am thin. So what is it I really want to be if my want remains insatiable?

What buried fears lie behind the veils of words "fat" "thin" and "weight"? I want to know and at the same time, I don't.

I'm on antipsychotics now, along witht the Prozac. I'm not sure if I like this at all...I basically crashed after I took the meds and slept for twelve hours. The side effects, I think, sometimes aren't worth it, so I don't know. I basically feel trapped between being controlled by my thoughts or controlled by my meds and I don't like either one of them.

So I missed school because my mom couldn't get me to wake up this morning, I don't remember her even trying...I don't remember anything after I took my medicine. I just woke up in my room this morning, so yeah.

I'm still on that roller coaster...up down, up down. Suicidal and then energetically bouncy. My body has become some unkown entity to me and I don't like it at all.

Today has been a roller coaster unhinged off its track, emotionally, at least.

Woke up depressed and sad and lonely and self concious. Became confident and ready to change from 10-12. Became severely depressed and suicidal from then on until 4:30 today. Became extremely energetic, purged, cleaned the house ran around and ignored my feelings and decided that life is so worth living, happy happy joy joy, ect. Now everything has calmed down and I feel like crying, I feel exhausted and used.

I don't know what's happening to me. This medicine was supposed to work better, but it's not, it's not helping at all. Today I was supposed to go to the doctor and check up with him about how the new meds are working, cancelled that appointment. I'll have to rescheduale it. I don't know what's happening anymore. It's like I'm a million different people and I can't trust myself.

I'm feeling the strong urge for someone to use me, control me, screw around with me, use me. But then I just want everyone to go away, I just feel so worthless and I'm sick of my cliche whiny self so I'm trying so hard to still be a happy, reliable friend.

I hadn't eaten for almost two days, came home and ate four slices of toast and three mini candy bars and wrote a suicide not that is extremely selfish and pathetic. I ripped it up later and that's when I purged and started cleaning the house. I've had an apple since then and my stomach is killing me. I'm up to 101 and I'm disgusted and scared and relieved.

I don't know if I'm getting into any colleges anytime soon. My grades just plain suck because I don't care about them anymore. Jeez, I am a mess, and all because I can't help myself. I'm too much.

When I used to be desperate for thinspiration and didn't have access to a computer in my darker days, I would always pick up my fashion magazines and look at their deathly, dizzy looking models. They look like they're sick, diseased, dying, tired, deadly.

I looked at them and saw my goal, a target to shoot at. They were always better, stronger, in control. And I felt I was hopelessly inadequate.

So, now, I've got a plan to change things so that hopefully one day, no more little girls will have to look to them as role models or ideals of beauty.

I'm writing a letter with a petition attatched to it of as many signatures I can get of fellow teen girls I know who promise to boycott the magazine until they discontinue their sick, twisted illusion of what beauty is. I'm going to try to get people all over the county to do the same so that hopefully the message will get across, and that we will be taken seriously. And if it doesn't work, then so what? That's just more encouragement to try harder.

I went to my friend's house, saw this bowl of chocolates and knew I was going to eat them. I stuffed my face, to put it kindly. I hadn't eaten anything else but half an apple today and I was hungry. So...so what?

A girl stopped me in the hall today and said, "Hey, do you eat?" I didn't know her at all. "What do you mean?" I said uncomfortably, I'd been feeling self concious and fat all day (more so than usual). She says, "Do you eat, like, at all? How are you so skinny?"

The old me would have secretly cherished a comment like that. It would be a sign that I was doing something right. But now, I felt totally devastated. I don't want to be a freak, it's not about how I look so much anymore as it is the control. I don't know how to explain it correctly. Anyway, I got really depressed and started thinking about how I wanted out of this, I wanted to overcome this and kick it in the ass for good. To do that there are a lot of feelings I will have to confront and face that I really don't want to. But it's time to decide what I want more.

I kind of feel like I'm wasting time, like that I should be doing something more important. I want to be important and respected, but so far all I am is someone cliche and weak; a follower. So what's the first step? I guess it's really wanting change, and actually making that commitment to yourself that you are going to change.