I think I may have ruptured my espophegus. I'm not sure, but it hurts like hell from my chest to my throat and I can barely eat without searing pain.

I'm going out today, and my mom is making me feel like I'm terrible. She told me how her date last night was horrible because I made her so depressed last night. Last night I binged and purged everything because I felt so terrible and for some reason I thought that would help. Wrong. Haha, anyway, folks, my chest feels worse than ever and now I know I shouldn't have done that. Thanks to that I gained a pound, and I shouldn't even be using the scale anymore, but it's so hard.

I gotta go, mom's coming.

Today was full of crap because of my craptastic mood. I drug everyone down and acted so bitchy. We got rid of some of the kittens which gave me a panic attack which made me flip which made me bawl which is why I'm home alone on a Saturday night and it's all my fault. I was invited to go have fun, but I said no like the self pitying freak I am.

Things in the shop went really well today. I gave a lot of tarot readings, which was nice. Not to mention I got paid.

I'm going to save up to get myself a custom made corset, I've really always wanted one specifically made to fit me because none of mine fit just right, you know? I think getting the right one for me would do me a whole lot of good, emotionally even.

My chest feels like hot needles are being stabbed into it when I breathe or swallow, I don't know why, but it hurts to eat. Anyway, I ate a whole lot today, so no worries. I feel disgusting but I'm okay. Tomorrow will be better because it has to.

Peace out.

Yes, they do. That's what countless therapists and doctors have told me and I'm just finding it so hard to believe. I'm back on a roller coaster of emotion, I feel unsettled and unsure and even a little manic about things. I'm back on this thing where I want everything at extremes. White and black. That's so unhealthy.

I can't get the conflicting voices in my head to shut up for even a minute. I feel powerless to them, yeah.... Me and Ned had a mini conversation about me taking diet pills and about how it upsets him because I'm going to die. I said, "You wanna know something? You wouldn't care if I died." I looked him straight in the eye and I said it like I...wanted to make it hurt. I hope I didn't mean it. But after a while he said, "I'd care if anyone died!" So nice to know.

You know, he and Ceslie are the only people I love right now. Is there a logical reason in this world why or why not?

I stopped taking my new meds but I think I should go back on them, it's screwing with my head, man. I can't handle it and I don't know...feels like I'm miserable with and without it. Either way, diet pills every day, and it scares me.

In lighter news, the paycheck is coming and I had two apples and a bowl of cereal today so I ate something and I don't know...no purging yet.

Jeez, I really need someone to take to right now, I wish that someone could love this.

I think I've found a way to let myself feel sexy and maybe even a little confident and self assured! Bellydaning. I'm absolutely loving it. I've been doing two hours a day of practicing and I think I'm getting okay at it. I love the music, the atmosphere. And you know what? It doesn't matter what size you are in bellydancing, your body is your tool and all that matters is how well you do it - not how thin you are.

I just feel so energized and so goddess-like when the music comes on and my hips start shaking, not to mention the outfits are gorgeous. I've got a blue and black one. I don't know, it's not like woah, I'm magically cured! Just...I feel good. And that's cool, you know?

I'm about to head to work but I just wanted to say that I got some food (fuel) in me and I feel a lot better. This is an awesome feeling, you know? To eat something that's just right, not too much, not too little. To keep it inside you and to use it as energy. That's called taking care of your body. And you know what? It's not as scary as it sounds, and it feels pretty damn good.

Today's been stressful, but I'm loving it anyway, I don't know...I've reached a high.

I did eventually purge a little bit of what I ate last night, which is disappointing but it could have been worse. Long story short, I became very depressed last night around eleven p.m. I was in major need of a hug, I guess you could say. I didn't know what to do; I couldn't sleep. I wanted to just disappear and not feel, I felt ugly and extremely obese.

I'm feeling better this morning. Missed school yet again. My mom called and said she tried to shake me awake several times but it didn't work, I didn't even open my eyes which worried her. So she's going to call the doctor about my meds right now because her and I are both pretty certain that they're keeping me from getting up.

I don't know what I'm going to do if this stuff doesn't work. I guess deal with it on my own. I don't really know what's wrong with me, the world seems so weird right now, like everyone's walking around on some other planet and I feel oddly nothing at the moment. I have no idea, it's getting old and depressing.

So anyway, I have to work tomorrow so I hope I'll be in a better mood, I think it will be good for me to get out and contact more people. I'm on excellent terms with my friend Claire now, we hadn't been talking for so long and now we are. I had a banana and TWO bowls of cereal this morning so I feel bloated yet suprisedly content about it.

And that's about it until something else happens to shake my world around.

Last night I got all really inspired to try and change people's  minds about how they percieve themselves. I posted all of this inspirational stuff about being more self confident. I feel stupid because I binged and purged right after and I felt really hypocritical.

Oh, good news. No purging today so far! I am way, way fat and gross, but I think I'm getting healthier because of it. I went to Olive Garden today and had some whole wheat pasta and it's been so hard but I haven't thrown up any of it yet. I think I've gained weight, I know I've gained weight...god. But it's okay, it is.

Okay, the truth is I'm totally panicked about this, but yeah. One step at a time.

It's sad how during the flashing images part of this video, I can relate to it so much...it's like how my mind works.

So I'm taking a bath after a long day, when my mom bursts in on me to get ready for a date. I pull the curtain over the bath and she begins to get ready, I start relaxing and ignoring her presence when she says, "Can I ask you a personal question? Did you throw up in the sink last night, and is that why it's clogged up?"
"Yes."
"Well...use the toilet next time."

I got home and I ate a South Beach diet TV dinner and to be honest, I feel like a pig, but I'll get over it.

I wonder how everyone else in my life is doing...? By the way, I'm about to start bellydancing again, which I'm excited about. I'm hoping maybe it will help me to start getting comfortable in my body and more confident. And hell, it'll be fun.