Ceslie just visited and I'm breathless. Why is it that she's left me speechless and not so suave like I usually am. I always know what to say when I'm flirting with a guy, I always know what to do and I'm always calm. But my heart was pounding and I was excited. She just turned me on so much, just standing so close, I wanted to grab her and kiss her but I knew that I shouldn't. I shouldn't because I feel like I would be a bad person. What if I was just leading her on? Because I don't know how I feel. Just how I physically feel. And she's been hurt too much. But I think she wants it too, so why am I dragging this out so much?

Anyway, I'm at home doing homework, my mom gave me a break from work. Joy. I'll update later.

I missed school again. My new medicine has me on a roller coaster of emotion so far, but it's better than being numb. I feel like crying, but I haven't been able to cry for weeks, so I don't know how I could.

We had our first belly dance class of the year last night and it went really well. Huge outcome, looked like everyone was enjoying themselves.

I'm so sick of myself.

I don't really think there's anything wrong with me anymore except that I'm stupid. And stubborn.

Oh, and last night my mom was so happy for the first time in forever! I was so glad because she's usually either depressed or screaming and it's nice to see her happy. She went out and bought so much food last night around ten and said we had to celebrate so we all ate, and ate and ate. And I had this thought in my head that this was my last meal and that I was going to die after I ate so it was all right. And I woke up this morning and I'm alone and it's freezing and I'm tired and ashamed and fat. And of course my friends will give me crap about it that I probably deserve. I wish I could explain to them in a way that would leave them satisfied, but I don't know what's wrong...except that I'm stupid.

It just hurts so much and I don't know why. I was looking at my breasts last night and thinkiing about how they look like they're getting bigger. Which means I'm getting bigger and that terrifies me. I always thought I would get implants so I could wear a nice B cup when I'm older and still be thin. But what if I get that way already? What if I gain so much that I won't even recognize myself? And hell, would that be so bad? Maybe if I changed I wouldn't hate myself...but I have a feeling maybe I would regardless.

I don't know. I'm trying to prepare myself to be as happy as I can when my mom gets home. I'll be out working till like nine so I have no idea when I'll finish my science project...due tomorrow. I'm so stressed out and yeah, I don't know.