I'm always saying that what scares me to the most is to become "fat". I always tell myself that if I eat, I will get fat. And I also tell myself this:
If I get fat, no one will like me.
If I get fat, no one will date me.
If I get fat, no one will love me.
If I get fat, I will be worthless.
If I get fat, I will be jobless.
If I get fat, I won't be beautiful.
If I get fat, people will judge me.
If I get fat, my life will be over.

And yet...none of that is true. And I know it.

So what is it that I'm really afraid of? I say I want to be thin, I am. My doctor, my friends, my family...they all say I am. Logic says I am thin. So what is it I really want to be if my want remains insatiable?

What buried fears lie behind the veils of words "fat" "thin" and "weight"? I want to know and at the same time, I don't.

I'm on antipsychotics now, along witht the Prozac. I'm not sure if I like this at all...I basically crashed after I took the meds and slept for twelve hours. The side effects, I think, sometimes aren't worth it, so I don't know. I basically feel trapped between being controlled by my thoughts or controlled by my meds and I don't like either one of them.

So I missed school because my mom couldn't get me to wake up this morning, I don't remember her even trying...I don't remember anything after I took my medicine. I just woke up in my room this morning, so yeah.

I'm still on that roller coaster...up down, up down. Suicidal and then energetically bouncy. My body has become some unkown entity to me and I don't like it at all.