When I used to be desperate for thinspiration and didn't have access to a computer in my darker days, I would always pick up my fashion magazines and look at their deathly, dizzy looking models. They look like they're sick, diseased, dying, tired, deadly.

I looked at them and saw my goal, a target to shoot at. They were always better, stronger, in control. And I felt I was hopelessly inadequate.

So, now, I've got a plan to change things so that hopefully one day, no more little girls will have to look to them as role models or ideals of beauty.

I'm writing a letter with a petition attatched to it of as many signatures I can get of fellow teen girls I know who promise to boycott the magazine until they discontinue their sick, twisted illusion of what beauty is. I'm going to try to get people all over the county to do the same so that hopefully the message will get across, and that we will be taken seriously. And if it doesn't work, then so what? That's just more encouragement to try harder.

I went to my friend's house, saw this bowl of chocolates and knew I was going to eat them. I stuffed my face, to put it kindly. I hadn't eaten anything else but half an apple today and I was hungry. So...so what?

A girl stopped me in the hall today and said, "Hey, do you eat?" I didn't know her at all. "What do you mean?" I said uncomfortably, I'd been feeling self concious and fat all day (more so than usual). She says, "Do you eat, like, at all? How are you so skinny?"

The old me would have secretly cherished a comment like that. It would be a sign that I was doing something right. But now, I felt totally devastated. I don't want to be a freak, it's not about how I look so much anymore as it is the control. I don't know how to explain it correctly. Anyway, I got really depressed and started thinking about how I wanted out of this, I wanted to overcome this and kick it in the ass for good. To do that there are a lot of feelings I will have to confront and face that I really don't want to. But it's time to decide what I want more.

I kind of feel like I'm wasting time, like that I should be doing something more important. I want to be important and respected, but so far all I am is someone cliche and weak; a follower. So what's the first step? I guess it's really wanting change, and actually making that commitment to yourself that you are going to change.