I am doing sooo much better, I think. I'm having an after school snack, and then I get to go to belly dancing! I keep hoping that if I do so many things that I never get a chance to stop and think about it and look at myself, then I'll never have time to panic about my weight, or the fact that my stomach is huge. The point is that I'm alive so I'm not going to let anything stop me.

Oh, I went to a party, like I said I was going to, and it was awesome. Amazing even. Because I drank normal soda (not diet) which tasted so strange and I was so proud of myself. And I ate cookies and chips and laughed and it was great.

I have this new goal that if I work really, really hard, someday I'm going to be an awesome person, and everyone will look at me and think, 'wow, she's really living her life', no more pity.

I started my period! It's come again, which means I'm still a little healthy! My mom bought a new scale and I'm kind of annoyed by that but I can't expect her to stop her life for mine, so yeah.

I've got to go to work in twenty minutes but I thought I'd post to let everyone know that I feel a lot better. And I think my meds are working because my head is clear and not so jumbled. It's easier to think now.

I'm going to a party tonight and I'll only know one person there which should be exciting because I get to meet new people. Oh, and I just decided something today: I like my breasts. I've always hated them and wanted implants and wanted them to be a different shape and color and what not. But I realized today, when I was looking at them, they're really not so bad. They're pretty nice looking.

Ceslie just visited and I'm breathless. Why is it that she's left me speechless and not so suave like I usually am. I always know what to say when I'm flirting with a guy, I always know what to do and I'm always calm. But my heart was pounding and I was excited. She just turned me on so much, just standing so close, I wanted to grab her and kiss her but I knew that I shouldn't. I shouldn't because I feel like I would be a bad person. What if I was just leading her on? Because I don't know how I feel. Just how I physically feel. And she's been hurt too much. But I think she wants it too, so why am I dragging this out so much?

Anyway, I'm at home doing homework, my mom gave me a break from work. Joy. I'll update later.

I missed school again. My new medicine has me on a roller coaster of emotion so far, but it's better than being numb. I feel like crying, but I haven't been able to cry for weeks, so I don't know how I could.

We had our first belly dance class of the year last night and it went really well. Huge outcome, looked like everyone was enjoying themselves.

I'm so sick of myself.

I don't really think there's anything wrong with me anymore except that I'm stupid. And stubborn.

Oh, and last night my mom was so happy for the first time in forever! I was so glad because she's usually either depressed or screaming and it's nice to see her happy. She went out and bought so much food last night around ten and said we had to celebrate so we all ate, and ate and ate. And I had this thought in my head that this was my last meal and that I was going to die after I ate so it was all right. And I woke up this morning and I'm alone and it's freezing and I'm tired and ashamed and fat. And of course my friends will give me crap about it that I probably deserve. I wish I could explain to them in a way that would leave them satisfied, but I don't know what's wrong...except that I'm stupid.

It just hurts so much and I don't know why. I was looking at my breasts last night and thinkiing about how they look like they're getting bigger. Which means I'm getting bigger and that terrifies me. I always thought I would get implants so I could wear a nice B cup when I'm older and still be thin. But what if I get that way already? What if I gain so much that I won't even recognize myself? And hell, would that be so bad? Maybe if I changed I wouldn't hate myself...but I have a feeling maybe I would regardless.

I don't know. I'm trying to prepare myself to be as happy as I can when my mom gets home. I'll be out working till like nine so I have no idea when I'll finish my science project...due tomorrow. I'm so stressed out and yeah, I don't know.

I missed school this morning. I don't really know what's wrong with me. But that's not very important in the first place...what's important is to know how to fix it. Or move on with it. Something.

Last night I couldn't sleep...thinking...who am I? Can I someday be a person worth loving, a person who has done something with their life? Can I just be a good person? See, I don't know. I guess the answer is...let's find out. But it's so easier said than done.

Everything seems bleak which is funny because I've been having a good past few days. I think I'm lonely. I know I'm lonely. Or maybe I just want a body against mine again.

I was watching my friend and her dad the other day. They picked me and my lil sis up from school so we didn't have to walk in the rain. That was really nice of them but I think it would have been nice to walk in the downpour anyway. I wish I had a dad like that. I guess I'm a sicko. But I fantacize about lying on the couch watching a movie with some middle aged guy, my friends dad...my male teachers...it's not sexual. I just want them to ask me how my day was, to hug me and ruffle my hair. I want a man to be worried about me, to want to take care of me. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it makes me ashamed.

Anyway, I'm about to go to the doctor to check up on my meds and see if we need to change things around. They don't seem to be helping which makes me feel stupid, like I did something wrong. I just don't want to mess anything up anymore.

Wow...so I feel incredibly numb today. It's all a big nothing. Not good, not bad. Anyway, not much new, trying to get back in the loop of things. Catch up with school work and try to feel okay. So far I feel nothing at all, which I guess could be worse but it feels empty and lonely.

Man, I'm embarassed because I have nothing new to say. I don't know. Same old, same old. I ate a banana and a protein bar. So horray for me.

I've spent years fighting to discover the key to getting better, the secret cure to all of this. I realized last night that there is none. Not for me. See, I will always have an eating disorder, but I've got to not work on eliminating it...but I need to work on filling my life with things that I find more important than it. Belly dancing has literally saved my life, it's something I've found myself more commited to than my eating disorder. My friends, I'm slowly becoming more committed to them than my eating disorder. Acting. Roller coasters. The taste of Hot Chocolate. It's all coming back to me so slowly that it's tauntingly painful. I can taste life and it's just within my grasp. I feel like I'm being born again but only if I want to be. And some nights, I don't. Like last night, I wanted to die. But the point is that I didn't. And I had a banana and some cereal this morning and I'm about to go dance. I still have an eating disorder but it doesn't have me.

And I've been thinking about all the things I want to do lately. It's getting harder to purge because of the fear, and the actual desire not to. It's getting harder to skip meals because sometimes it hits me: I want to live.

I think my little sister found one of my notebooks full of diet plans and all of that, I found it open in her room. I want to burn it now because that is just...madness. There is no reason to put yourself through that! And I want to believe and love myself because I know that there's so much I could do, so many interesting people I could love if I'd just learn to love myself.

Unfortunately I haven't written in a while because of the relapse I'd fallen into (and been in denial about). I was using my job to not eat. I wouldn't eat anything between school and work, and then I'd go without food till around nine and then I'd come home exhausted, bathe, and sleep. I feel really, really sick. Serves me right, huh? This thing is so sneaky, it's crazy. This sickness, which...is really me which means that I'm quite sneaky. Sneaky about killing myself.

Oh, and I think the rupture in my throat or whatever has cleared up, didn't have to see a doctor after all. Yay. Oh, and I decided today that I don't love Ned, I just wanted him because I couldn't have him. I love Ceslie like a soul sister. lol That sounds funny to say out loud. She's been so good to me, I feel like I keep shoveling out crap to her, so I'm trying to really hard to be there for her and to be in a good mood because she has a rough life, you know? I have problems that I've inflicted upon myself.

Anyway, I am so excited about my bellydancing classes! They have been so inspirational and confidence boosting. I reccomend them to anyone who's feeling down on themselves because seriously, this stuff works like magic.

It hurts more to think about it. I don't want to think about which is why I can't get better because I refuse to face what's happened.

I don't ever want to have children.

Bellydancing is so much fun, I'm having a great time.

I can't stop exercising.

I've gained weight.

I miss my friends, but I'm terrified to see them again.

I don't know, I don't know...I'm freaking out. It's crazy. I wanna get out of here.