I went and got my hair done, drastic difference from how it used to be. I was so happy because I felt like I looked good. And I went home and grabbed a handful of crackers without even thinking about it and ate them. It wasn't until later that I realized what I had done, I didn't even look at the nutrition label. I didn't even think about eating. I had been hungry, and I had let myself eat because I was feeling good and confident, I guess. That's what normal people do, right? They eat a handful of crackers without thinking about it, right? It was just amazing, I haven't done that in such a long time.

I got confronted by my friends about 'how thin' I am. See, I guess I kind of got back home and freaked out because I felt so out of control and huge and bad about myself for the crackers I ate. I binged and then purged last night. I am exhausted today, but I ate breakfast and didn't purge this time. I don't feel good. I don't feel happy, just chill.

I haven't been following my dietitian's rules, I feel bad but also like I have to "protect" myself, which is retarded because it's me I need protecting from.

Things I miss:

*Onion Rings.
*YooHoo
*Hot chocolate
*Stuffed crust pizza
*nachos
*Real sugar
*Real Dr. Pepper
*Muffins
*Frosting
*Peanut butter
*KFC's macaroni and cheese
*Biscuits
*Bananas
*Chips
*Tea with real sugar in it
*Licking the spoon when I make cookies
*Cordon Bleu
*Bread
*Cheese
*Chicken
*Ice cream
*Fun
*Me

So my life has been taken over. No more diet pills, no more weighing myself, no more doing what I want. It's one step away from hospitalization. Things are clamping down around me and I'm scared. Actually, no, I don't really care. I guess I never did?

Today:
*Went to therapy, lied.
*Saw dietitian, got a huge list of rules, my mom was told I had some "major issues".
*Got blind weighed, weighed backwards just like they used to do in the hospital, freaked out.
*Went to Goodwill and treated myself to new old CDs.
*Exercised.

New rules:
I need to get my blood work done.
I have to throw the diet pills and the scale out.
I have the choice of drinking gatorade or ensure every day, naturally I chose ensure.
I will be weighed every week, if I'm getting worse or my weight is declining, I will be faced with hospitalization.
I'm not allowed to exercise anymore or write down what I eat.

The Reality of it all:
I'm having a panic attack, I'm scared, I don't care, I feel disgusting even though I haven't eaten anything, I'm becoming sneaky, I'm arguing with myself, I don't know quite what to do.

Oh, and I'm going to go get my hair done tomorrow.
I feel strangely calm yet freaked out about all this. I want someone to talk to, I was trying not to cry on the drive home and now I feel strangly giddy, I can't handle my emotions right now. I guess that's why I choose not to feel them.

Also, apparently I'm worse off physically than I thought and now I'm going to have to go get another physical done. Joy.

and I put my waist length hair in a ponytail and cut it off last night. I was freaking out, wanted to take scissors to my skin, wanted to feel something. So I cut my hair instead. It's terribly uneven and just cut badly so I'm going to the salon to get it fixed on Thursday. I felt so better after I cut it, I couldn't stop laughing, I guess I probably sound like a crazy person. But I was so happy because see, I felt elated and good and I just felt something and it was nice.

So I was all of the sudden craving crackers like madly today, so I ate some. I'm kind of upset at myself so I'm staying out of the kitchen, that place always triggers me to starve/purge/binge and whatnot. Thanks for reading the madness. I'm doing okay, just moving on.

My first memory of being cuddled by someone. He was so big compared to me but I still felt fat lying on him. When he put his arms around my body it was like I could dissappear. No one was going to get to me because for a moment it was as if I didn't exist. When I feel nothing, it's when I feel as though it's all okay. I love someone who can make me feel empty because there is nothing, and it feels so...empty and safe and not too much, not too little...just right.

Oh, god...I just hate myself.

These days keep melting into one another like a big haze. I have no idea what day it is, I have no idea what time it must be. Seems like no matter where I am I am tired and I am confused. Of course, no one will notice because I am just that good. Psh, yeah right.

I saw myself in the locker reflection today and I saw someone else and looked behind me but no one was there and maybe it was me. So I'm arguing with her right now and I think she's angry because she thinks I don't love her as much as she loves me. She tried to strangle me today, but all I had to do was say the right thing and she loosened her grip. I know how to hurt people without touching them. She says all I feel is numb and maybe so. I think so. I sent him a message saying that I want to go away forever, and I'm sure he rolled his eyes because it says my message was delelted.

People all look the same, they all have the same bodies. Mine is deformed and misfigured and I am ashamed. I purged again, but I did my exercise tape. Things have all ran into each other. Everything is the same and I'm sorry to sound so cliche but everything hurts right now. Everyone is hurt, and I'm tired of hurt. So I'd rather feel nothing.

I suppose I'm going to stop feeling responsible for everyone. I can't keep doing that because it's making me snap. The stupid head games, the drama fests. It disgusts me almost as much as I disgust myself. I do not ever believe that giving up is the answer, it's the excuse. It's a choice of the weak, and it's not for me.

So if someone's going to fall, I'm not getting dragged down with them. Sure, I'll be there with my hand out when they're ready to try getting back on their feet, but I'm staying standing up.

I can't get the song "She's Falling Apart" by Lisa Loeb out of my head. And it's pissing me off.

Ceslie is alive and she's fine. In fact, we went to the mall today. Haha, amazing how quickly things have turned around, just goes to show how waiting things out just a while can change everything. And now I get to take a sigh of relief and calm down. That really scared me, whether she knows it or  believes it, I really love her and I don't know what I'd do without her, you know?

But one thing that bugs me is that I feel like she felt she had to threaten her life so she could see if anyone cared, which to me is unfair and I can't handle that too well, you know? But then...I got to thinking. Isn't that kind of like what I'm doing? Hurting myself, slowly killing myself and standing around watching people who care cry out and try to help and I'm ignoring them, testing them. Do you really care? Is what I seem to challenge every time I say no to food.

I don't know, it's something to think about.

Anyway, that's not what this post is about. I got home and let myself have some ice cream and a cookie. I freaked out and purged it up and started slapping my stomach and screaming at myself in the mirror. I have big red welts on my tummy now which upsets me. I honestly scared myself tonight. I don't really know what to do. I just so badly wanted to hurt myself, I was so angry. I just saw red.

I feel incredibly disgusting right now, like a big bloated cow. I don't know, just wanted to vent. So what else is new, huh?

So Ceslie tried to kill herself. Right now I have no idea if she's alive or not. I stayed on the phone with her pretty late, but in the end I had to sleep. Funny that I finally get some sleep the night my best friend is trying to commit suicide. I will never forgive her if she succeeds. I will never forgive her if she didn't decide to wait and try for me, for her family. Because I've stayed and I've been working my ass off for her and them.

And what am I supposed to do without a best friend? What, are things too tough, too painful, too boring for her so she feels she can up and leave me hanging like this? It's convienient for her yeah...she wouldn't have to suffer anymore, she could leave it all on me and the people who care about her to deal with. Leave us with our pain and then pile on some more. I love her, and I don't ever want that to be taken for granted.

I will have to wait and see what happens. I will have to wait.

I've had it with these people. I try to be how they want me to be because everyone bases their emotions on what I do or say.

I tried to be there and be nice for Claire, she's decided to explode at me, say she's sorry she's not good enough for me and that I just must not care about her and blah blah blah, woe is me.

And then I tried to write Ned because I never know what to do in this kind of situation, and of course, he ignores the message.

And then I get angry/depressed letters from Jessie that I'm not talking to him enough and can't I see I'm hurting him and poor him bla bla bla, woe is me.

And then when I don't say the right thing, same thing from Ceslie.

They act like this and then get all angry when I don't get close, when I don't tell the truth, maybe it's because they've given me a reason not to trust them! Maybe it's because I've learned from things like this that if I were to be honest and open up and say what I mean, and not put on a show to make them happy, then they blow up at me and turn themselves into the victims.

Poor everyone else. Poor, poor them. And they all keep saying, "Sorry I can't be a good enough friend, or that I'm not perfect!" what about me? What are you expecting me to be?