Just finished purging, it was terrible and my throat hurts and my head hurts and my chest hurts and the floor is moving. Yesterday I woke up to my little sister sobbing, my mom at her bedside trying to calm her down. At first I thought she was sick or something but then I heard her say something about being afraid for me. "She's worried about you," my mom said later, accusingly.

I'm in this rut. My mom is convinced that I'm being a brat about my situation and that if I could just get over it and try I'd be fine. So I'm sitting here wanting to die, wanting to live, wanting to not feel this hurt of want anymore. I'm tired of being such a needy, stupid person. I feel alone and I want to be left alone. For the first time in forever I'm glad that no one understands. I just want to disappear, I'm so down on myself. I just want to go away.

My Prozac dosage has been doubled again. Woope. I want it to work but I feel like it won't. I don't want to think about tomorrow, I don't want to think about food or my friends whose calls I have to ignore right now so I don't break down and let them find out that I'm really not okay. I'm failing my classes. I have nothing because I've ruined everything for myself.

So my doctor is increasing my Prozac dosage yet again, we'll try to two weeks, then I'll report back and if it's not working better than he's going to incooporate a little uh...Ritillan, I'm not sure if I'm spelling that right. But whatever. I'm anxious about this because I'm tired of being a lab rat and taking all these different pills only to go back and say "it's getting worse" or "it's not doing a thing".

I would say, screw the medication, I don't need this. But, no, I really do. I've tried going a year without it and it's screwed me over way worse than taking medication has. I'm not going to stick with my diet pills and yet refuse anti-depressents. That's just plain stupid.

So much has happened since I last wrote. Let's see...I went out for coffee with a friend, blew up at her sobbing and crying about Ned and food and how I just felt so fat. She was awesome about it as always and hugged me which suprised me for some reason. Her and Ned are the most important people in my life, I don't know what I'd do without them, honestly.

I woke up and had lost weight, got happy about that. Had a really stressful morning with my mom and sister, I missed my bus. Went home and binged and collapsed into bed. Refused to get up. Ended up getting up anyway and going to school.

So I did a speech on myself to my theatre class that day (yesterday) and ended up sharing way more about this eatiing disorder stuff than I wished I had. I'm terrified. Went home and binged at like midnight and went back to sleep. Woke up at noon today and missed school. I fed the kittens with my mom, she's taking me to the doctor in an hour to see about my anti-depressants which still don't seem to be helping.

So that's how my past two days have been. Kind of uneventful.
It's getting old, I just want to sleep.

Didn't have breakfast or lunch today, so of course I came home, stuffed my face and then purged everything. I am really dizzy right now, but other than that I feel okay. I'm about to go out with a friend for coffee. I'm torn, I want someone to be with me and help me feel normal. But at the same time, I want someone to grab my shoulders and tell me that everything is not okay or normal and that I need help.

I don't really know. I'm going to exercise tonight even though I feel like crap because if I don't I feel like I'll be setting myself up for a panic attack. I would be having a session with my therapist tomorrow but my mom cancelled that after okaying it with me. No more therapist or dietician. Whatever.

I had this strange feeling this morning that everything would be okay and that I was normal and it would all work out. It's been shattered but I can't help but wonder how I can get that feeling back.

Dealt with a lot of guilty feelings today. I guess I ate normally, I don't know. I ate a lot at lunch time so yeah. Last night I was debating the whole suicide issue, it didn't take much to talk myself out of it though. The only thing is, the main thing that caused me to wait, give life time, was the prospect of losing weight still. I've maintained my weight for almost a week now. I guess that should  be something to be proud of. So why do I feel so sad?

In theatre we're supposed to write a speech and make a collage about who we are. Who am I? Who am I? I don't know, it's due tomorrow and I haven't even started, I guess I should get working on that. I guess that scares me, looking at myself, wondering who I am. That is a frightening prospect when all you've become is a disease, a self destructive force.

We found kittens under our house, barely two weeks old and abondoned. As I hold them in my hands I feel this unconsolable sadness because they are alive and they stayed alive. Through the rainstorms these past few days, through losing their mother, they stayed alive and made it. I wonder if they deserve it more than I.

Purged. Exercised for a couple hours. I can barely breathe and feel disgusted. I need to get out of this place, I need to go somewhere where there's no food and there's no pain and there's no such thing as fat or thin. I'm so tired of mirrors and feelings and people. I feel like the inside of me is this big gaping wound and everything and everyone is just shoveling salt on me and walking on by. I feel like my body is red and screaming and no one can hear me, no one can tell. Even I won't acknowledge this hurt.

I want to act, and I want to be happy. I want to love someone whether they love me back or not is trivial. I just want to care about something other than myself, I forgot what that feels like. I want to spend my time thinking about love and theatre and not when my next meal will be.

I so desperately need a hug but I'm afraid to let anyone touch me, they'll feel my bones, they'll feel my fat. It's all black and white but so complicated. I am watching myself live, actually...I'm watching myself exist in this mess. Why do I do this, and why can't I stop? Why do I not even really want to stop?

Can anybody love this? Can anybody love this mess? I have nothing because I refuse to open my eyes and live.

I just had an apple, and I'm mulling over my thoughts right now. Last night my mom told me that she couldn't afford to let me keep seeing my dietitian and specialist. She offered to find some other way for me to see someone. I told her that was okay, and I didn't want to. She started arguing with me about how I can just see nobody because I am sick and I have a problem. I told her that I didn't and she shook her head and said that getting me help wouldn't work if I didn't want it anyway, so okay.

I don't know...I'm calming down now that I don't have all these people to report to and all these rules to follow, I feel more in control. But it's a scary feeling, to know that everyone's just releasing you back into the world on your own again. I don't know what to do with myself.

I just binged and purged. Well, I guess it's not really binging. I had a Lean Cuisine (280 cals) and two bagels (240 cals) and spent about forty five minutes trying to get it all back up.

I don't know, I don't know why I'm even telling anyone this. I'm a screw up, I know.

I'm suddenly feeling really good. Physically, I feel terrible, but mentally I want to take on the world. I think it's because I feel like I want to make everything better. I want to take care of everyone right now. I'm not happy at all, but I'm just confident in what kind of a difference I can make in people's lives.

See, I still feel fat and disgusting and worthless. But I feel like that doesn't mean I can't change that. I feel like I can get things done right now. I'm still so weary about getting better and eating normal amounts and not purging, but I'm going to do my exercise tape again tonight and think it through. After all, I can't do much change for the world if I'm not alive, eh?

I just finished purging what I could of breakfast. I found the sink clogged with my purging from yesterday which was depressing. I think I've gained weight, but of course, I have no idea because I'm not allowed to see a scale. And of course that's for my own good, according to someone else. My mom is mad at me, I think, and I feel bad because I realize that such an amazing lady like her...she ended up with a leech of a daughter, just sucking all the good and fun and stuff from her and spitting it out ungratefully.

I think that the purging right now is a way to get back at all the people who are trying to help me recover. I forgot after a year about how humiliating it can be to have your weight taken blindly. To have to strip down and step on the scale and not even know what the number is, but someone else does and she's writing it down and she's shaking her head and she's telling you what you need to do if you want to get better and you're telling yourself why you shouldn't and she's telling you why you should but it sounds like she's speaking spanish and then she probably goes home to a family and eats her dinner and goes to bed and lives and you go home and throw up just to spite someone when really the only one you're hurting is you and your family who don't deserve this shit.

Yeah, so I missed school and I don't really care. I don't really care about this, it's getting worse, you know. The need to lose weight. It's getting pretty psycho the way my brain is working.