My friends hate me, I know they must. They do. The smiles and the "it's okay"s, they're getting old, they're faded and more and more forced each day and they're getting tired of me. They're almost as sick of my excuses and lies as I am.

I'm embarassed. It seems like...I can never hold a friend down, you know? I'm so bad about answering the phone (it gives me anxiety attacks) or responding to e-mails or saying the nice thing, the right thing. I'm no good at that stuff, and it takes a huge toll on me. It's exhausting keeping up with the rest of the world. And I'm jealous, I'll admit, of all my friends. And for no reason! They're lives are worse than mine.

I want to make a difference, and it feels like the me on the outside is. She's got it all figured out, she's in control and in command and she's making a difference. I have a petition planned out and everything, I could go somewhere with this. I just have to focus, and yet...I really can't. I'm so anxious about my weight, so nervous.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. Another Monday. I'm going to catch up on my sleep.