I'm on a cloud, and my arms are out and I'm naked and I'm okay with that; I am comfortable with that. My hair is being played with in the wind and my eyes sting with tears and my mouth is slightly open in content. The sky is beautiful and I am beautiful and because of that the world is beautiful. I don't care about anything but the colors and the feeling in my chest when I see them. I'm not worried about yesterday, tomorrow, or even right now. My heart is beating at a healthy pace in my chest and I am alive and that is enough for me. I am safe but so close to the edge and I'm okay. Everything is going to be okay, and I look fine. And it doesn't matter what I look like anyway, because I am in love. I am in love and loved back. I am in love with the world. I am in love with my family. I am in love with myself and my body. I am in love with destiny and the trees and the sky and love itself. I am eternal and everything and everything is me. And it doesn't matter if it's raining. I'm dancing and I'm free. And I am above calories and I am above selfishness, I am above the cares of the world because I am infinite.

That's what I want, that's my greatest wish. Is that selfish?

It's all I can do just to hold myself together today and I feel so awful. I hate that, I so badly want to see the world in a different light so that I can get something accomplished. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I feel unbearably guilty, almost to the point of tears, and I have  no idea quite why.

I have nothing to feel guilty about! Right? I really hope so, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm defected. Like I came messed up and so there's something wrong, broken inside me that can't be fixed.

Anyway, I got a lot of cool stuff today, so I should be happy. My friend Ned talked to me finally a few days ago. Asked me for fifty cents and said thank you. I was so, so incredibly happy it's pathetic. And I couldn't even let myself be happy about it because I had to overthink it.

Sheesh, it's retarded, being me.

I feel like a bad person. A selfish person. It's ridiculing me everywhere I go now, in my head. The voice says, "You're worthless. You don't deserve that. You hurt everyone. You're so selfish. You're so disgusting and fat." And you know what? That gets old!

I just want to be alone, but I want company and I don't ...don't know what I want.