I'm having a hard time right now, I don't know...I feel so alone. I want to be happy so badly. I really need to go to the hospital, not for physically dangerous reasons, I'm not that bad, but for mental ones...I swear I am a threat to myself and I don't want to be and I can't do this anymore. The only thing that's stopping me from going to the hospital is the money...and I'm so afraid of being the fat one there. I don't want to be the fat one, I don't want to deal with all the skeletal chicks that will be there while I'm just normal. I hate this. I'm so retarded. I need to get out.

Things have been kinda messed up lately which is why I've haven't posted in a few days, so I'm sorry about that. Monday I basically starved myself and fell into a deep depression about my medicine. See, so far it had been actually working well....I felt better about everything in my life, except my weight. I felt miserable and the bad habbits were still there. I began to question the idea of taking my Prozac, bad idea. Threw it up. Binged and purged several times yesterday, not even because I was starving the day earlier...just to do it. For the hell of it. To spite my doctor and everyone else who cares about me. I basically was hoping I'd drop dead yesterday.

Exhausted from all of the purging, I was lying in bed last night with a calculator, trying to figure out how many calories I would burn that night in my sleep when it hit me that this was stupid. I dropped the calculator and went to sleep.

Didn't have lunch or breakfast today, but I feel good about myself a little and I just had a bowl of cereal and some crackers, so hey. Life's better.

I have no idea how I pulled myself out of that dark place...it felt like it wasn't me who was taking over and cheering up...it was something else, someone else. Strange...but I'm thankful regardless.

I still haven't heard back from that school yet. I don't know.
Oh, and I cleaned my room and I'm going to go exercise and take a bath. So here's to a better start, eh?