I saw Resident Evil with some friends last night. Got a kid's combo with the small drink and popcorn and candy, it was so cute, came in this little tray. Haha, it was fun. The movie was awesome, and we played in the arcade which was great.

My friend Ned was there, and I was not expecting him to be. We all piled into the car and he made jokes and basically...made the drive fun, along with Ceslie. I could feel the wall between us. It was like I wasn't there most of the time, if I tried to catch his eye he'd look away at his feet and change the subject. I wanted to ask him about Ritilan because I think he may take it and I wanted to know about the side effects but I was way embarassed and I didn't want to upset Danielle. They're very close, and to be honest, they look really good together and get along well. I felt kind of alone, which I definitely wasn't. But on the drive there Tanner and Danielle were touching and poking at each other and flirting and I just felt...invisible to everyone. I know that's selfish of me, I mean, I should for once stop getting so stuck on myself but it still hurts sometimes.

I tried so hard to seem in control and happy there. I think it worked. See, secretly I was falling apart and so close to tears. Maybe it's because I realized on the drive there that I love Ned. I love him. The end.

So I got home, expecting to burst into tears, but I didn't. I couldn't. It wouldn't come. I was home alone so I just....flipped and binged and shoved all the feelings down and then purged them back up and fell into bed and slept until like noon today.

The only people I am really capable of loving right now are Ceslie and Ned. That's the truth, and I've been trying so hard to avoid it for so long. I guess last night it just hit me that guys don't like me. Ned and Tanner were drolling over Dannielle (I don't blame her, she's gorgeous) and I was just there.

I guess I'm just not the type guys go for. I'm a pole, short hair...washboard chest, loud mouth, opinionated, and a little intimidating. I burp and fart with the best of them and I'm just one of the guys who happens to be the proud owner of a vagina and a feminine voice. I don't know, it's not very important anyhow.

I'm thinking of transferring schools. I've got to get out of here, I need to get away from my house and all the food and pressure. Yes, I know that's running away...running away from Ned and Ceslie and recovery. But what else can I do? Sheesh, I can be retarded a lot.

I sent in my application to the Louisiana School of Math, Science, and the Arts. They're supposed to be really well known and respected, and I think I have a shot at their theatre program. I'd have to live in their dorms and I'd be away from home a lot. I haven't told any of my friends yet that I want to do this...I think they'd never forgive me for wanting to leave them. After all, I'm the one who's supposedly so loyal to MACA, and I am...but I need a challenge, I need a change. I need to get away, is what I need.