Just finished purging, it was terrible and my throat hurts and my head hurts and my chest hurts and the floor is moving. Yesterday I woke up to my little sister sobbing, my mom at her bedside trying to calm her down. At first I thought she was sick or something but then I heard her say something about being afraid for me. "She's worried about you," my mom said later, accusingly.

I'm in this rut. My mom is convinced that I'm being a brat about my situation and that if I could just get over it and try I'd be fine. So I'm sitting here wanting to die, wanting to live, wanting to not feel this hurt of want anymore. I'm tired of being such a needy, stupid person. I feel alone and I want to be left alone. For the first time in forever I'm glad that no one understands. I just want to disappear, I'm so down on myself. I just want to go away.

My Prozac dosage has been doubled again. Woope. I want it to work but I feel like it won't. I don't want to think about tomorrow, I don't want to think about food or my friends whose calls I have to ignore right now so I don't break down and let them find out that I'm really not okay. I'm failing my classes. I have nothing because I've ruined everything for myself.

So my doctor is increasing my Prozac dosage yet again, we'll try to two weeks, then I'll report back and if it's not working better than he's going to incooporate a little uh...Ritillan, I'm not sure if I'm spelling that right. But whatever. I'm anxious about this because I'm tired of being a lab rat and taking all these different pills only to go back and say "it's getting worse" or "it's not doing a thing".

I would say, screw the medication, I don't need this. But, no, I really do. I've tried going a year without it and it's screwed me over way worse than taking medication has. I'm not going to stick with my diet pills and yet refuse anti-depressents. That's just plain stupid.

So much has happened since I last wrote. Let's see...I went out for coffee with a friend, blew up at her sobbing and crying about Ned and food and how I just felt so fat. She was awesome about it as always and hugged me which suprised me for some reason. Her and Ned are the most important people in my life, I don't know what I'd do without them, honestly.

I woke up and had lost weight, got happy about that. Had a really stressful morning with my mom and sister, I missed my bus. Went home and binged and collapsed into bed. Refused to get up. Ended up getting up anyway and going to school.

So I did a speech on myself to my theatre class that day (yesterday) and ended up sharing way more about this eatiing disorder stuff than I wished I had. I'm terrified. Went home and binged at like midnight and went back to sleep. Woke up at noon today and missed school. I fed the kittens with my mom, she's taking me to the doctor in an hour to see about my anti-depressants which still don't seem to be helping.

So that's how my past two days have been. Kind of uneventful.
It's getting old, I just want to sleep.