Dealt with a lot of guilty feelings today. I guess I ate normally, I don't know. I ate a lot at lunch time so yeah. Last night I was debating the whole suicide issue, it didn't take much to talk myself out of it though. The only thing is, the main thing that caused me to wait, give life time, was the prospect of losing weight still. I've maintained my weight for almost a week now. I guess that should  be something to be proud of. So why do I feel so sad?

In theatre we're supposed to write a speech and make a collage about who we are. Who am I? Who am I? I don't know, it's due tomorrow and I haven't even started, I guess I should get working on that. I guess that scares me, looking at myself, wondering who I am. That is a frightening prospect when all you've become is a disease, a self destructive force.

We found kittens under our house, barely two weeks old and abondoned. As I hold them in my hands I feel this unconsolable sadness because they are alive and they stayed alive. Through the rainstorms these past few days, through losing their mother, they stayed alive and made it. I wonder if they deserve it more than I.

Purged. Exercised for a couple hours. I can barely breathe and feel disgusted. I need to get out of this place, I need to go somewhere where there's no food and there's no pain and there's no such thing as fat or thin. I'm so tired of mirrors and feelings and people. I feel like the inside of me is this big gaping wound and everything and everyone is just shoveling salt on me and walking on by. I feel like my body is red and screaming and no one can hear me, no one can tell. Even I won't acknowledge this hurt.

I want to act, and I want to be happy. I want to love someone whether they love me back or not is trivial. I just want to care about something other than myself, I forgot what that feels like. I want to spend my time thinking about love and theatre and not when my next meal will be.

I so desperately need a hug but I'm afraid to let anyone touch me, they'll feel my bones, they'll feel my fat. It's all black and white but so complicated. I am watching myself live, actually...I'm watching myself exist in this mess. Why do I do this, and why can't I stop? Why do I not even really want to stop?

Can anybody love this? Can anybody love this mess? I have nothing because I refuse to open my eyes and live.