I just binged and purged. Well, I guess it's not really binging. I had a Lean Cuisine (280 cals) and two bagels (240 cals) and spent about forty five minutes trying to get it all back up.

I don't know, I don't know why I'm even telling anyone this. I'm a screw up, I know.

I'm suddenly feeling really good. Physically, I feel terrible, but mentally I want to take on the world. I think it's because I feel like I want to make everything better. I want to take care of everyone right now. I'm not happy at all, but I'm just confident in what kind of a difference I can make in people's lives.

See, I still feel fat and disgusting and worthless. But I feel like that doesn't mean I can't change that. I feel like I can get things done right now. I'm still so weary about getting better and eating normal amounts and not purging, but I'm going to do my exercise tape again tonight and think it through. After all, I can't do much change for the world if I'm not alive, eh?

I just finished purging what I could of breakfast. I found the sink clogged with my purging from yesterday which was depressing. I think I've gained weight, but of course, I have no idea because I'm not allowed to see a scale. And of course that's for my own good, according to someone else. My mom is mad at me, I think, and I feel bad because I realize that such an amazing lady like her...she ended up with a leech of a daughter, just sucking all the good and fun and stuff from her and spitting it out ungratefully.

I think that the purging right now is a way to get back at all the people who are trying to help me recover. I forgot after a year about how humiliating it can be to have your weight taken blindly. To have to strip down and step on the scale and not even know what the number is, but someone else does and she's writing it down and she's shaking her head and she's telling you what you need to do if you want to get better and you're telling yourself why you shouldn't and she's telling you why you should but it sounds like she's speaking spanish and then she probably goes home to a family and eats her dinner and goes to bed and lives and you go home and throw up just to spite someone when really the only one you're hurting is you and your family who don't deserve this shit.

Yeah, so I missed school and I don't really care. I don't really care about this, it's getting worse, you know. The need to lose weight. It's getting pretty psycho the way my brain is working.

I went and got my hair done, drastic difference from how it used to be. I was so happy because I felt like I looked good. And I went home and grabbed a handful of crackers without even thinking about it and ate them. It wasn't until later that I realized what I had done, I didn't even look at the nutrition label. I didn't even think about eating. I had been hungry, and I had let myself eat because I was feeling good and confident, I guess. That's what normal people do, right? They eat a handful of crackers without thinking about it, right? It was just amazing, I haven't done that in such a long time.

I got confronted by my friends about 'how thin' I am. See, I guess I kind of got back home and freaked out because I felt so out of control and huge and bad about myself for the crackers I ate. I binged and then purged last night. I am exhausted today, but I ate breakfast and didn't purge this time. I don't feel good. I don't feel happy, just chill.

I haven't been following my dietitian's rules, I feel bad but also like I have to "protect" myself, which is retarded because it's me I need protecting from.