Things I miss:

*Onion Rings.
*YooHoo
*Hot chocolate
*Stuffed crust pizza
*nachos
*Real sugar
*Real Dr. Pepper
*Muffins
*Frosting
*Peanut butter
*KFC's macaroni and cheese
*Biscuits
*Bananas
*Chips
*Tea with real sugar in it
*Licking the spoon when I make cookies
*Cordon Bleu
*Bread
*Cheese
*Chicken
*Ice cream
*Fun
*Me

So my life has been taken over. No more diet pills, no more weighing myself, no more doing what I want. It's one step away from hospitalization. Things are clamping down around me and I'm scared. Actually, no, I don't really care. I guess I never did?

Today:
*Went to therapy, lied.
*Saw dietitian, got a huge list of rules, my mom was told I had some "major issues".
*Got blind weighed, weighed backwards just like they used to do in the hospital, freaked out.
*Went to Goodwill and treated myself to new old CDs.
*Exercised.

New rules:
I need to get my blood work done.
I have to throw the diet pills and the scale out.
I have the choice of drinking gatorade or ensure every day, naturally I chose ensure.
I will be weighed every week, if I'm getting worse or my weight is declining, I will be faced with hospitalization.
I'm not allowed to exercise anymore or write down what I eat.

The Reality of it all:
I'm having a panic attack, I'm scared, I don't care, I feel disgusting even though I haven't eaten anything, I'm becoming sneaky, I'm arguing with myself, I don't know quite what to do.

Oh, and I'm going to go get my hair done tomorrow.
I feel strangely calm yet freaked out about all this. I want someone to talk to, I was trying not to cry on the drive home and now I feel strangly giddy, I can't handle my emotions right now. I guess that's why I choose not to feel them.

Also, apparently I'm worse off physically than I thought and now I'm going to have to go get another physical done. Joy.