My first memory of being cuddled by someone. He was so big compared to me but I still felt fat lying on him. When he put his arms around my body it was like I could dissappear. No one was going to get to me because for a moment it was as if I didn't exist. When I feel nothing, it's when I feel as though it's all okay. I love someone who can make me feel empty because there is nothing, and it feels so...empty and safe and not too much, not too little...just right.

Oh, god...I just hate myself.

These days keep melting into one another like a big haze. I have no idea what day it is, I have no idea what time it must be. Seems like no matter where I am I am tired and I am confused. Of course, no one will notice because I am just that good. Psh, yeah right.

I saw myself in the locker reflection today and I saw someone else and looked behind me but no one was there and maybe it was me. So I'm arguing with her right now and I think she's angry because she thinks I don't love her as much as she loves me. She tried to strangle me today, but all I had to do was say the right thing and she loosened her grip. I know how to hurt people without touching them. She says all I feel is numb and maybe so. I think so. I sent him a message saying that I want to go away forever, and I'm sure he rolled his eyes because it says my message was delelted.

People all look the same, they all have the same bodies. Mine is deformed and misfigured and I am ashamed. I purged again, but I did my exercise tape. Things have all ran into each other. Everything is the same and I'm sorry to sound so cliche but everything hurts right now. Everyone is hurt, and I'm tired of hurt. So I'd rather feel nothing.