I suppose I'm going to stop feeling responsible for everyone. I can't keep doing that because it's making me snap. The stupid head games, the drama fests. It disgusts me almost as much as I disgust myself. I do not ever believe that giving up is the answer, it's the excuse. It's a choice of the weak, and it's not for me.

So if someone's going to fall, I'm not getting dragged down with them. Sure, I'll be there with my hand out when they're ready to try getting back on their feet, but I'm staying standing up.

I can't get the song "She's Falling Apart" by Lisa Loeb out of my head. And it's pissing me off.

Ceslie is alive and she's fine. In fact, we went to the mall today. Haha, amazing how quickly things have turned around, just goes to show how waiting things out just a while can change everything. And now I get to take a sigh of relief and calm down. That really scared me, whether she knows it or  believes it, I really love her and I don't know what I'd do without her, you know?

But one thing that bugs me is that I feel like she felt she had to threaten her life so she could see if anyone cared, which to me is unfair and I can't handle that too well, you know? But then...I got to thinking. Isn't that kind of like what I'm doing? Hurting myself, slowly killing myself and standing around watching people who care cry out and try to help and I'm ignoring them, testing them. Do you really care? Is what I seem to challenge every time I say no to food.

I don't know, it's something to think about.

Anyway, that's not what this post is about. I got home and let myself have some ice cream and a cookie. I freaked out and purged it up and started slapping my stomach and screaming at myself in the mirror. I have big red welts on my tummy now which upsets me. I honestly scared myself tonight. I don't really know what to do. I just so badly wanted to hurt myself, I was so angry. I just saw red.

I feel incredibly disgusting right now, like a big bloated cow. I don't know, just wanted to vent. So what else is new, huh?

So Ceslie tried to kill herself. Right now I have no idea if she's alive or not. I stayed on the phone with her pretty late, but in the end I had to sleep. Funny that I finally get some sleep the night my best friend is trying to commit suicide. I will never forgive her if she succeeds. I will never forgive her if she didn't decide to wait and try for me, for her family. Because I've stayed and I've been working my ass off for her and them.

And what am I supposed to do without a best friend? What, are things too tough, too painful, too boring for her so she feels she can up and leave me hanging like this? It's convienient for her yeah...she wouldn't have to suffer anymore, she could leave it all on me and the people who care about her to deal with. Leave us with our pain and then pile on some more. I love her, and I don't ever want that to be taken for granted.

I will have to wait and see what happens. I will have to wait.