I've had it with these people. I try to be how they want me to be because everyone bases their emotions on what I do or say.

I tried to be there and be nice for Claire, she's decided to explode at me, say she's sorry she's not good enough for me and that I just must not care about her and blah blah blah, woe is me.

And then I tried to write Ned because I never know what to do in this kind of situation, and of course, he ignores the message.

And then I get angry/depressed letters from Jessie that I'm not talking to him enough and can't I see I'm hurting him and poor him bla bla bla, woe is me.

And then when I don't say the right thing, same thing from Ceslie.

They act like this and then get all angry when I don't get close, when I don't tell the truth, maybe it's because they've given me a reason not to trust them! Maybe it's because I've learned from things like this that if I were to be honest and open up and say what I mean, and not put on a show to make them happy, then they blow up at me and turn themselves into the victims.

Poor everyone else. Poor, poor them. And they all keep saying, "Sorry I can't be a good enough friend, or that I'm not perfect!" what about me? What are you expecting me to be?

...I can be my own best friend. 

I'm reading the book "Second Star to the Right" right now, it's kind of depressing me. I just finished cleaning my room. We bought all the bookshelves we need for the shop. We should be in buisness soon, and it sounds like we'll be fine financially.

I just realized what this "numb" nothing thing I've been feeling is lately. It's not nothing, it's emptiness. There's a difference, I think. Because I realized that I'm, well maybe, I'm lonely. So why do I isolate myself? I mean, I socialize, but I make up stuff and lie. Not because I want to. I hate lying to my friends, but I feel like I have to protect myself. From what?

You know what I think? I need to protect me from myself, not my friends. Isolating myself is just making it worse. I'm not letting anyone get close to me. I keep turning my friend down to hang out because I'm ashamed because I want to stay home so that I can control how much I eat. Which has been nothing these past two days. Which is retarded, is what I think. But you wanna know how I feel? I feel afraid that I'm gaining anyway? I feel terrified that no matter what I do, that something's wrong with me and I'm gonna gain even if I don't eat at all. I'm terrified that I'm going to get sick, or never be happy again. I'm terrified that someone is going to leave me. So I guess that's why I push people away. They can't leave me if they were never there in the first place, you know?

You know who I miss? Well, there's this asshole named Ned...yeah, I've mentioned him before. See, our school had a so-called dance yesterday (everyone files into the gym and they play music). The first time I went to one of our school's dances, I really didn't want to go. I was going to call home sick because I was afraid I would have no one to talk to. Ned convinced me to go, said I wouldn't regret it. It was Valentine's day and I remember sitting down in the corner. And I was joking with Ceslie, the only person who is actually worthy missing right now because she actually treats me right. Anyway, Ned was with us. He asked me to dance, at first I said no, but he convinced me. I stepped on his foot. But I remember instead of pulling away, he pulled me closer and whispered, "It's okay," that was the first time I ever believed anything a man told me. Worst mistake ever.

Anyway, he asked me out, I said no. But we called each other every night since then for a year, we were like...brother and sister, and I really trusted him. He's the first person besides my mom I've ever trusted. I mean, yes there was Kal, but I didn't trust him. The only thing I trusted him in was coming home drunk.

And since around this time last year, the calls stopped. I mean, I would call but he'd ignore them. He stopped smiling at me in the hall. And then he stopped talking or looking at me period. That stupid top eight thing on myspace? I used to be number four. I'm not on it anymore. He made a promise to me that the next dance we went to, he would dance with me and we would go together since we both hate to dance.

But that's stupid high school stuff. Anyway, that's my tragic story. Bascially I went to the dance we had yesterday, he didn't show up. I always remember him as coaxing me to go, it would be worth it...it would be worth it and we would dance together. But it's okay because I think he might be happier now. I don't know, but I think he is. I wish I had a life and I could say the same. I just wish he would call one more time and want to know how my life was going. I want to listen to Disturbed and The Beatles with him again. I want to joke about showers, octopi, and Mt. Dew with him.

Anyway, I don't know where that came from. The point is, that I'm lonely. I guess I should be thankful that I ever had a reason to be. He's probably with her right now, and they're probably happy.

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I get a coffee and the paper; have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening, by the morning looks like shit.

And I know you have a heavy heart; I can feel it when we kiss
So many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
But me I’m not a gamble you can count on me to split
The love I sell you in the evening, by the morning won’t exist.

You’re looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
You just keep going to the bathroom always say you’ll be right back
Well it takes one to know one, kid, I think you’ve got it bad
But what’s so easy in the evening, by the morning is such a drag.

I’ve got a flask inside my pocket we can share it on the train
If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same
We might die from medication, but we sure killed all the pain
But what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane.

And I’m not sure what the trouble was that started all of this
The reasons all have run away but the feeling never did
It’s not something I would recommend, but it is one way to live
Cause what is simple in the moonlight, by the morning never is
What’s so simple in the moonlight, now is so complicated
What’s so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight

lyrics by Bright Eyes