I just saw an ad on myspace that really upset me. I guess it's silly to be so affected by some stupid ad, but I found it really triggering. It was one of those game ads, where you supposedly play a stupid game to win a cell phone ringtone. Anyway, it depicted a little Nichole Richie walking around dizzily with the words "FEED NICOLE!" floating over her, and you had a slice of pizza and you were trying to force feed it to her by throwing it at her. I tired to ignore it even though it really got to me. And then, suddenly I noticed that if you ignore the game and don't play then when you "lose" Nicole falls over and faints from dizzyness. This just...it disgusted me. I've gotta go take a walk or something...

I went to my appoitment yesterday, and I guess you could say it was good. Good is such a small word; simple.

So I sat in the waiting room while my mom talked to "Ms. Lisa" for what seemed like forever. There were tons of pamphlets on eating disorders and what to do to help if your kid has one. I was about to flip through one of those but then I noticed the magazine rack on the other side of the wall. "LOSE 10 POUNDS IN JUST 2 WEEKS!" and "How to keep the fat OFF!" and the like, graced justs about every single magazine cover in bold, red words. I picked up one of those and learned how to lose ten pounds. Like I didn't know how already.

The appoitment was bascially my mom's form of an intervention. Ms. Lisa gave me the choice of working with her through therapy, or hospitalization. She said that at the rate I was going, she was not going to just stand there and watch me kill myself. We talked about thinspo sites. We talked about my life. We talked about how I feel I NEED to lose fifteen more pounds. We talked about Dad and Mom. We talked about how I'm secretly crying out for help and how proud of me she is for taking this first step. She told me to keep a journal. And she got me a dietitian. Or however you spell it. She's trying to convince me to drink Ensure for nutrients and to focus all of my passion for my eating disorder into my passion for music and theatre and friends. She wants me to make a collage about what I want my life to be like when I get healthy and recover.

I kept nodding, I kept eyeing the huge doctor's scale behind her desk. And I kept wondering how much I would weigh on that thing. Would I end up with moderate self hate, complete loathing, suicidal hate, or getting there but still needs work? Those are the measurments that have been encoded into us.

Anyway, here's what I was thinking the whole time: HELP ME! Which is funny, because I was in the right place for help. But my heart was not in it. In fact, I was planning on fasting today, maybe just to spite her and the dietitian. I am terrified of them and myself, I guess. I feel like the control (which is terribly out of control right now) that I have is being taken away. Which is funny. It's as if supporting parents, a professional on eating disorders, and a nutritionalist aren't enough to help me learn how to eat correctly. But that's the thing, they're not. We're missing one important candidate in this fight for life: me.

How selfish, my mom's money goes down the drain, I disappoint this lady, and voila, you have my life.

There was this girl who was out in the waiting room. She looked really upset and nervous, she was very thin and she was blonde. She kept stealing glances at me when she thought I wasn't looking. But I guess that makes both of us, I was looking at her too. I wonder what she was thinking. I was thinking I was jealous of her, she was beautiful and thin. I wonder what she was thinking...maybe if I knew, maybe this wouldn't be so hard. I'm too afraid to believe that we may feel the same. I don't even know her name.

Anyway, my mom decided it would be appropriate to go to Olive Garden right after my session. Joy. Heavenly joy. Oh, please, God...no.

I did it for my little sister. I wish I could say I did it for me. I ate and then I threw up in Barnes and Noble's bathroom stall.

There's a girl at school who pulled me aside today to talk to me and she wanted to know if I was okay. She said I was losing more weight and that she was worried about me. I just...I felt so undeserving and stupid. I felt like I was out looking for attention, but I hugged her anyway and I'm really grateful for that. Especially because she said if I ever needed to talk about it she would be there for me. I don't even know her well.

So yeah...those are the events since I last updated. Which was only last night, but still.
You gotta keep an eye on this world, it can sneak up on you and suprise you when you realize where you are.