I think I'm losing everything. I just...I don't know. My life and everything good in it is just slipping away and I am just this close to having a breakdown here. My friends are gone, it's not their fault, I won't answer my phone. But they know that I don't want to talk to them and they've given up on me, and it makes me so angry at myself. My mom has obviously given up on me. I'm terrified about my appoitment tomorrow, I feel so fat and so hungry. I can't figure out which one hurts worst right now. My school work...well I can kiss that goodbye, I've already missed so much school already. I have no life and it's all my fault. I just screw everything up, my head really hurts.

It's probably because I'm sick but I just feel so weak right now. My head is pounding worse than ever, my stomach hurts, my body feels so weak. I ate an apple and immediately had the runs and felt nauseated. I feel so disgusting, I just wish...I really wish I could lose weight and then I know that it's selfish so I feel terrible for saying that but I want it so bad.

And I'm trying, you know? But it seems that every day these past few weeks the fight that I'm putting up gets weaker and my sickness gets stronger. I just sometimes feel like there's no place in this world for me. But there is, there has to be. Because there's a reason for everyone being here. But I just feel so useless, like I'm taking up space. I guess that's part of the encouragement to get smaller for me...is so I can take up less space.

God, I'm just so tired of myself. I keep lying to my friends and lying more and more. And what am I supposed to do now? What do you have at the end of the day when you're so worn out and alone because you've blocked everyone out and all you have as fuel to go on is this self hate and this little spark of hope that gets smaller and fades some more each day. I don't know, I'm not giving up. But the thing is, the reason why I don't want to give up is getting shameful. It's because I don't want to die looking like this, I want to be thin. So I keep going for the selfish hopes of losing weight. I keep going, and it disgusts me.