When I went to the doctor's today, the nurses were all concerned because I've lost fifteen pounds since my last appoitment which was a month or two ago. I guess since they knew I was going to see a specialist they didn't push the subject. But it bothered me because the nurses who are always so nice to me and carry conversations with me just looked at me crictically and wouldn't smile back or treat me like they used to. It upsets me because I want them to see past whatever it is their judging me for, which I guess is my weight loss.
I think that my binge earlier today was brought on by feeling worried and helpless and maybe even a little abandoned about my specialist cancelling on me. All the anxiety about it just exploded and I ran to the nilla wafers and cereal and chips and soda and beef jerky for comfort. And, unfortunately ( or...maybe fortunately) I got caught. Lesson learned, sorta.
Anyway, my throat is still killing me, I'm missing school again tomorrow. Hurrah. I'm going to have so much make-up work. My mom and I went to the store today and I bought a lot of groceries (fruits, brown rice, veggies and such) because I'm going to try a new structrured "diet" that's low cal but hopefully healthy. I want to lose weight so bad but I want to live, you know? I'm tired of this controlling me, but sometimes I just want to surrender into it. Anyway, I'm exhausted, so I'll get back to you guys tomorrow.
God, I couldn't help it. I just felt like I couldn't breathe and I felt alone and stupid and I binged and then purged it all back up into the kitchen sink, as if my throat didn't hurt enough already. I just felt like I had to. It's getting bad again...the purging. It's been every day for a week or so.
Anyway, my mom got home and was doing the dishes and she called me to come in and I got all nervous like maybe she somehow could smell it even though I tried to wash the barf down well. She just looked at me with no emotion on her face and said, "if you're going to throw up in the kitchen sink, please do a better job of covering it up, Amy." And she went back to doing the dishes. I am so mortified and I feel so stupid. I feel like a little kid and like I have no control. I feel so weak and stupid and alone right now. And more importantly, I feel fat. I want to just fast so bad but I know it will only lead to more binging and purging and I don't know what to do.
I just wish I would have gotten to see that stupid specialist lady today, as if she would be able to do anything.
I went to the doctor, and I have strep. Hooray. God, this hurts like hell. Anywho...I got a call from mom and found out that after all this worrying and purging and anxiety about the specialist lady, she cacelled on me. I mean, I'll get to see her in two more days instead of today, but that's like an eternity to me. I don't know if I can handle this, you know. Haha, of course I can, I always do, huh?
Anyway, I've been thinking about things. I just watched "Intervention Kim" about a chick with anorexia, hit a little too close to home. My throat hurts, I'm going to go take some pain killers.
One good thing about being sick: it's a slight distraction from food. Slight but still there.
Have a good day, y'all.
source:
http://in.news.yahoo.com/070820/139/6jnkz.html
London, Aug 20: Anorexia, an eating disorder, might be caused by a genetic brain disorder which shares its traits with autism and Asperger's syndrome, a new study has found.
The study was conducted by a team of researchers led by Prof Janet Treasure at King's College London.
As part of the study researchers tried to figure out the neural networks in the brain to find how patterns of information are processed and how this affects behaviour, to look at the aspects of brain functions that increase the risk of someone falling prey to an eating disorder.
Researchers found the anorexia patients shared traits with people who suffered from autism.
Autism is a disorder that is usually first diagnosed in early childhood. The main signs and symptoms of autism involve communication, social interactions and repetitive behaviours.
The study noted that people with eating disorders had difficulty in changing self-set rules and learnt behaviour once fixed in the brain. They also saw the world in close-up detail, as if they were looking at life through a zoom lens, but this could be at the cost of having an ability to see and think about self-identity and connections with others without getting lost in the details.
This distorted pattern of processing information has a strong similarity to autistic spectrums. It has even been described as the female form of Asperger's, a milder version of the disorder. Traits that may appear in childhood, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder or overperfectionism, can often indicate a vulnerability to developing an eating disorder later in adolescence.
"Examining other family members is very important, especially when there is another young woman in the family. The children of women who themselves have had an eating disorder are particularly interesting, as comparing patterns of the illness across generations can enhance our understanding of environmental as well as genetic factors and how they interact," the Telegraph quoted Prof Treasure, as saying. (ANI)
I think it was due to stress about my appoitment today that I binged and purged in the wee hours of the morning. Because I have a head cold and a terrible sore throat, this didn't feel too good. But it was something I felt I just had to do.
I'm so afraid that the specialist will take one look at me and think that I'm too fat to be anorexic or something. I don't want to be weighed, I don't want anyone to analyze me, and I definitely don't want someone to tell me what I've been doing wrong. I guess I'll be going to this appoitment with some bias, but who wouldn't?
Anyway, I can barely talk, my throat is so bad. And my head feels like it weighs a ton. My mom said that I could rescheduale since I'm sick but for some reason I just want to do this. I've stressed out and put myself down enough, it's time I got this over with.
