Well, I was really close. This seems to be routine for me, post something hopeful, and then post again a while later with bad news. I swear, I'm not trying to do that. Anyway, I purged a bit, but not until a few minutes ago so I held out for a long while and purged what I could. I would say I couldn't help it, but I could've. So, I just wanted to get that off my conscience.

Dr. Brillart asked me where I saw myself in the future. Did I see myself as healthy and better? There's the million dollar question. But...maybe that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter where I see myself in the future. What matters is what I'm doing now because...that's what's going to affect tomorrow anyway, right? 

You know what? I don't think I want to be thin that much anymore. I'd much rather be happy. I used to think they were the same thing. They're probably not. Too bad I'll never let myself know.

But I feel good. I made cookies, we went out to eat today and I haven't thrown up or purged or anything. I go to see my specialist on Tuesday after labor day and I feel okay about that. I'll try to be honest. Right now I am 98 pounds, my bmi is 16.5 and I know that scientifically, logically, I am not fat. Right now, I feel like there is no one wider and more disgusting, but I haven't broken down. I'm just letting myself feel. I have not over eaten today, and I have not restricted. I've eaten normally and my body and mind and soul don't quite know how to take it. But they will get it eventually. I really hope so.

So anyway, I guess I'll just hang out with friends and keep my cool right now. I really need to do something right, please.