My friends hate me, I know they must. They do. The smiles and the "it's okay"s, they're getting old, they're faded and more and more forced each day and they're getting tired of me. They're almost as sick of my excuses and lies as I am.

I'm embarassed. It seems like...I can never hold a friend down, you know? I'm so bad about answering the phone (it gives me anxiety attacks) or responding to e-mails or saying the nice thing, the right thing. I'm no good at that stuff, and it takes a huge toll on me. It's exhausting keeping up with the rest of the world. And I'm jealous, I'll admit, of all my friends. And for no reason! They're lives are worse than mine.

I want to make a difference, and it feels like the me on the outside is. She's got it all figured out, she's in control and in command and she's making a difference. I have a petition planned out and everything, I could go somewhere with this. I just have to focus, and yet...I really can't. I'm so anxious about my weight, so nervous.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day. Another Monday. I'm going to catch up on my sleep.

I'm on a cloud, and my arms are out and I'm naked and I'm okay with that; I am comfortable with that. My hair is being played with in the wind and my eyes sting with tears and my mouth is slightly open in content. The sky is beautiful and I am beautiful and because of that the world is beautiful. I don't care about anything but the colors and the feeling in my chest when I see them. I'm not worried about yesterday, tomorrow, or even right now. My heart is beating at a healthy pace in my chest and I am alive and that is enough for me. I am safe but so close to the edge and I'm okay. Everything is going to be okay, and I look fine. And it doesn't matter what I look like anyway, because I am in love. I am in love and loved back. I am in love with the world. I am in love with my family. I am in love with myself and my body. I am in love with destiny and the trees and the sky and love itself. I am eternal and everything and everything is me. And it doesn't matter if it's raining. I'm dancing and I'm free. And I am above calories and I am above selfishness, I am above the cares of the world because I am infinite.

That's what I want, that's my greatest wish. Is that selfish?

It's all I can do just to hold myself together today and I feel so awful. I hate that, I so badly want to see the world in a different light so that I can get something accomplished. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I feel unbearably guilty, almost to the point of tears, and I have  no idea quite why.

I have nothing to feel guilty about! Right? I really hope so, I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I'm defected. Like I came messed up and so there's something wrong, broken inside me that can't be fixed.

Anyway, I got a lot of cool stuff today, so I should be happy. My friend Ned talked to me finally a few days ago. Asked me for fifty cents and said thank you. I was so, so incredibly happy it's pathetic. And I couldn't even let myself be happy about it because I had to overthink it.

Sheesh, it's retarded, being me.

I feel like a bad person. A selfish person. It's ridiculing me everywhere I go now, in my head. The voice says, "You're worthless. You don't deserve that. You hurt everyone. You're so selfish. You're so disgusting and fat." And you know what? That gets old!

I just want to be alone, but I want company and I don't ...don't know what I want.

I feel so inspired to be something more than I am right now. Have you ever felt so fed up with yourself...so...contained within the shell that is you that you just want to explode out of yourself and do something worthwhile, world changing? That's just how I feel right now and it's unbearable.

As the depression sets in I realize I've been neglecting my friends very much. I'm trying so hard to put on the it's okay act and to get my work done and to just live like normal. But I ache and I'm exhausted from life and from myself. I keep hoping that if I hold out long enough, I can get through this, I can get better if I hold out, if I'm strong enough...then someday I can start living and practicing what I preach. But it's slowly setting in that I'm probably wrong. I can't do it on my own.

I don't know exactly what I do or where I go from here. What's supposed to happen to me? Is my own weakness holding me back or is it my mind? My emotions? The chemicals inside me? The prozac isn't helping, sometimes I get paranoid and think it's making it worse. Is it my fault it's not working?

So many questions and I just don't know. I'm so anxious to get out there and life and do something. But I feel so weary of it, so tired of it. Life. Will I wake up tomorrow and find I'm okay? Or will this nightmare never end?

I feel so glad that I didn't give in last night or give up. I missed school again, but at least I'm alive and not in a hospital, you know? Jeez, I feel so much better, I think it's because I'm taking my meds again.

Music has been a big part of my life right now, I don't know. It just is.

So...I'm going to take the advice of the specialist I am no longer seeing and list my accomplishments for today instead of my mistakes:

*I ate a banana this morning and kept it down.
*I got a good night's sleep.
*I kept in touch with my friends today by sending them all upbeat messages.
*I have not told a lie to cover up my eating problems so far.
*I weighed myself and felt okay with the number.
*I took my Prozac.
*I only took two diet pills so far.
*I did all my homework
*I am going to school tomorrow
*I am done with my AR book.

See, now that feels better.

I'm having a hard time right now, I don't know...I feel so alone. I want to be happy so badly. I really need to go to the hospital, not for physically dangerous reasons, I'm not that bad, but for mental ones...I swear I am a threat to myself and I don't want to be and I can't do this anymore. The only thing that's stopping me from going to the hospital is the money...and I'm so afraid of being the fat one there. I don't want to be the fat one, I don't want to deal with all the skeletal chicks that will be there while I'm just normal. I hate this. I'm so retarded. I need to get out.

Things have been kinda messed up lately which is why I've haven't posted in a few days, so I'm sorry about that. Monday I basically starved myself and fell into a deep depression about my medicine. See, so far it had been actually working well....I felt better about everything in my life, except my weight. I felt miserable and the bad habbits were still there. I began to question the idea of taking my Prozac, bad idea. Threw it up. Binged and purged several times yesterday, not even because I was starving the day earlier...just to do it. For the hell of it. To spite my doctor and everyone else who cares about me. I basically was hoping I'd drop dead yesterday.

Exhausted from all of the purging, I was lying in bed last night with a calculator, trying to figure out how many calories I would burn that night in my sleep when it hit me that this was stupid. I dropped the calculator and went to sleep.

Didn't have lunch or breakfast today, but I feel good about myself a little and I just had a bowl of cereal and some crackers, so hey. Life's better.

I have no idea how I pulled myself out of that dark place...it felt like it wasn't me who was taking over and cheering up...it was something else, someone else. Strange...but I'm thankful regardless.

I still haven't heard back from that school yet. I don't know.
Oh, and I cleaned my room and I'm going to go exercise and take a bath. So here's to a better start, eh?

I saw Resident Evil with some friends last night. Got a kid's combo with the small drink and popcorn and candy, it was so cute, came in this little tray. Haha, it was fun. The movie was awesome, and we played in the arcade which was great.

My friend Ned was there, and I was not expecting him to be. We all piled into the car and he made jokes and basically...made the drive fun, along with Ceslie. I could feel the wall between us. It was like I wasn't there most of the time, if I tried to catch his eye he'd look away at his feet and change the subject. I wanted to ask him about Ritilan because I think he may take it and I wanted to know about the side effects but I was way embarassed and I didn't want to upset Danielle. They're very close, and to be honest, they look really good together and get along well. I felt kind of alone, which I definitely wasn't. But on the drive there Tanner and Danielle were touching and poking at each other and flirting and I just felt...invisible to everyone. I know that's selfish of me, I mean, I should for once stop getting so stuck on myself but it still hurts sometimes.

I tried so hard to seem in control and happy there. I think it worked. See, secretly I was falling apart and so close to tears. Maybe it's because I realized on the drive there that I love Ned. I love him. The end.

So I got home, expecting to burst into tears, but I didn't. I couldn't. It wouldn't come. I was home alone so I just....flipped and binged and shoved all the feelings down and then purged them back up and fell into bed and slept until like noon today.

The only people I am really capable of loving right now are Ceslie and Ned. That's the truth, and I've been trying so hard to avoid it for so long. I guess last night it just hit me that guys don't like me. Ned and Tanner were drolling over Dannielle (I don't blame her, she's gorgeous) and I was just there.

I guess I'm just not the type guys go for. I'm a pole, short hair...washboard chest, loud mouth, opinionated, and a little intimidating. I burp and fart with the best of them and I'm just one of the guys who happens to be the proud owner of a vagina and a feminine voice. I don't know, it's not very important anyhow.

I'm thinking of transferring schools. I've got to get out of here, I need to get away from my house and all the food and pressure. Yes, I know that's running away...running away from Ned and Ceslie and recovery. But what else can I do? Sheesh, I can be retarded a lot.

I sent in my application to the Louisiana School of Math, Science, and the Arts. They're supposed to be really well known and respected, and I think I have a shot at their theatre program. I'd have to live in their dorms and I'd be away from home a lot. I haven't told any of my friends yet that I want to do this...I think they'd never forgive me for wanting to leave them. After all, I'm the one who's supposedly so loyal to MACA, and I am...but I need a challenge, I need a change. I need to get away, is what I need.

Right when I get to the conclusion that things are looking up, it seems I go and do something bad. Maybe it's a subconcious thing...a fear of getting better and having to face the problems behind the disorder. But it feels unintentional when it happens, like I have to.

I had breakfast, a bowl of cereal. Threw that up, and made myself another bowl. Threw that up, made another bowl. Threw that up again. I'm too tired to make another bowl or I would, I'm very hungry but the thought of food makes me sick. I can hear my mom's car. Which means I have to go. So yeah...wish me good luck.

Enough feeling sorry for myself! Haha, I need to move on and live life. So college decisions coming up. I can't decide whether I would rather major in Performing Arts or Photography. It's my dream more than anything to act, and it's on stage or in front of a camera that I feel most at home, being someone else. But I have this passion for taking pictures like no other too. More for fun than proffessionally, but I still love it and wouldn't mind taking it to the next level. I don't know yet.

So it's thanks to the kittens that I'm still a sane person. I've considered losing it completely so many times today (yes, missed class again) and just giving up and going away. But then who's going to feed the kittens? They're defenseless and they're hungry and need to be taken care of. So every two hours they serve as this little reminder to me that I'm not the only one who gets affected by my actions.

I think I may be ready to face my teachers and classmates tomorrow. The belly dancing outfits for our shop came in today, I'm really excited about that. I know I must have a million tests tomorrow so I need to study and exercise tonight.

I haven't purged at all today! I've been having just liquids so far today though but still...I just want something that's easy to handle. Mostly I've only had diet soda today, but I did drink like 3/4 of a slimfast shake today too. My mom keeps buying me vitamins and stuff because she's worried.

Last night she asked me what I thought about another visit to the hospital, I said I honestly didn't know. I don't know how that would help, I don't know how it would hurt. I'm basically at a point where it's getting hard to function normally from day to day. I took my Prozac today and everything seems okay. No panic attacks today so far. So far so good.

I'm really in love with the song "Milkdrunk" by Halou right now, I don't know...it seems to embody my issues right now for some unknown reason, it calms me down a bit.

I'm going to (I hope) up my calorie intake in the next couple of days to 500. I don't know how that's going to go over but I figure my body could use it, now I just have to convince my mind too.