I found this so inspirational and true. If you suffer from an eating disorder, I know you will be able to relate to this. For all those trying and trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel, this woman has a message for you.

 

 

Last night my little sister came into my room, to use the bathroom that joined with it and just stood there staring at herself in the mirror critically. She thought I was asleep, but I wasn't and I watched her and my heart broke. See, she looks like how I used to wish I could, she used to be my ideal body type. I still see myself as bigger than her, I'm still trying to get there. And yet, I know this is wrong in so many ways. Not even for all the moral stuff and the fact that she's three years younger than me. I know my image of myself must be warped because she weighs more than me, she wears bigger sizes than me and stuff like that.

I just can't fathom it, how she could have any insecurities about herself, to me she looks perfect. And I never, ever want her to hate what she looks like, to go on diets, or to think she needs to be smaller. She's just so beautiful and stuff to me. I mean, I have no chest, no butt, she does. She has bouncy, full hair and freckled skin and a curvy body that looks so good in outfits. Sometimes people tell me I look like a boy's body. You know, it's messed up, because she's said she wishes she looks like me. I'm trying so hard to eat healthy in front of her and pretend like I'm trying to gain weight so she will be healthy. I want her to love herself.

 

I read your blog just now, and I have to say that I'm speechless. See, I didn't even realize anyone was really even reading my blog, so it's nice to know that someone is out there able to relate. See, you help me also, you give me that feeling of not being alone even though we isolate ourselves and live lives of deceit each and every day, this is like our connection to the outside world, so I'm really glad that you and everyone else post on this site, it's been uplifting and helpful for me in my darkest moments in life.

I have a bigger problem with my restricting lately than I do with binging and purging...but I can relate in that once I get started with eating something I feel I shouldn't, it just all goes hazy and out of control. Right now I just got back from a party where everyone was eating and enjoying themselves. I hadn't eaten anything but an apple yesterday so I just let go and ate. Not an abnormally large amount, but enough for me to have to fight myself from purging right now.

I just wanted you to know that I was getting ready to purge (my family is still at the party, I went home early) just now and I got online real quick just to see if there were any new posts that might help the anxiety, and I saw yours and I've decided to try, just for tonight (small steps) not to purge, to let myself digest this. It's extremely hard but I'm going to give it my all because I know someone else out there is hurting and struggling too.

So thank you everyone, and I hope you guys are all safe and well.

 

I got home from an anime convention last night, and my dad cornered me and asked me if I had had anything to eat that day. I was exhausted - too exhausted to make excuses or lies. I said, "I don't know..." He said he wanted me to eat something, now.

I argued about the time, how I was tired, not hungry, I didn't want to eat before I went to sleep. He didn't listen, didn't flinch. So I told him I'd eat an apple. While I nibbled like a pathetic rabbit, sitting at the kitchen table in the dead of the night, he said something that suprised me. He said, "If you're going to...do this, then you might as well take a scientific approach to it."

He told me he couldn't make me eat, but he could at least make sure I got my nutrients. He told me he'd be mailing some drinks I could sip in the morning that he usually gives to little African kids when their bodies are too weak to consume solids. I couldn't believe that he wasn't going to scold me, and that he was giving me these drinks for starving kids. But after I thought about it...I could believe it. It must be hard, to be him, to watch me.

I was shaking my head and laughing nervously with a half eaten apple in my hand, but I promised to try it out, and see what happened. My dad told me, "I just love you, and I want you to live." He hugged me, and when I woke up this morning, he was already on a plane back to Arizona.

When I had my bath last night, I didn't read like I usually do. I spent a long time thinking about things. How I feel bad about being annoyed with my dad for wanting me to eat food. He said I wasn't consuming enough calories for my brain or body to function and he wanted me to be well. How can I get angry at that? But I almost can't help but feel like a little kid. I don't want to be helped. I want to do this on my own. But I know I can't. I just feel...foreign to myself and it's unnerving. Anyway, my dad picked up my slimfast and my diet pills and stuff, read the ingredients and said, "This is crap." I couldn't help but laugh and realized that I've been wanting to say that about my life and my habbits as of late...

This is crap.

 

"Give this video a chance, when it starts out it looks to be outdated, but it is far from that. In 30 minutes, this woman, Jean Kilbourne paints a picture of women that makes you ashamed to be one."

 

One of the first things my dad did when we were all sitting down in the living room was take my BMI. He asked for my waist mesurments, my height, and my weight. And then he proceeded to sit there and tell me I was underweight. It was all I could do to not to cry. He's trying to help, I understand. But this is not help.

He's bought a bunch of food since then and has told me, "this is what you're having for dinner tonight, this is your snack." It's like being in a hospital being forced to eat, but so far I haven't had any of what he's given me, so whatever. I've had a piece of cheese and half of a slimfast drink today, and I'm planning on having some more.

Anyway, what I was getting at was that last night made me self concious, upset, and out of control...I think that's why, after having nothing to eat all day yesterday, as soon as everyone was in bed, I found a box of crackers and proceeded to eat all of them and the throw up. I'm trying to think about this so I can track what caused me to binge and purge so I can get a handle on this. Anyway, I'm typing on the run, so I'll probably post later tonight.

 

Dear You, Hey, nerd, it's me. We've been through a lot, haven't we. I know now it was all nothing so I'm not going to go on about feelings or anything. We're friends now, and we do talk sometimes. And it's great, because we talk as if nothing has ever gone on between us, and maybe it hasn't you know? I could have imagined it. It's cool because it's usually so awkward and almost impossible to stay good friends after. Nowadays, I don't even remember half the stuff I used to think about. You know...you used to be a part of everything for me. And it was impossible to escape your memory, so it was impossible for me to move on and be happy. You're not really in anything at all for me anymore. It's more...there's an absense in everything now. And no offense, but you're not really that cool of a person. You suck at just about everything you do, you're not my type, and to be honest...you hurt me so much. So, don't take it as a compliment that you seem to still affect me even now. See, I wish that I still cared about you. I wish that I still obsessed over you, hurt for you, and felt for you. Because now I feel nothing. Seems like, and I may be wrong about this, but it seems like I replaced you with my eating disorder. I always was unhealthy about eating, but ever since you...it's consumed me. I know it's not even close to being your fault, it was the culmination of a bunch of little things over the years. But I just miss feeling for someone. Now I've never been so alone in my life. And at this very moment I sent you an im because no one else but Jason was online and he didn't reply, he's probably busy. You signed off and didn't reply...so I get it. Sometimes I just wish I had affected you. Not because I care or because I want you to care...but because I just wish I were important enough to someone to do that, you know? I guess I just wanted to let you know, that if I never talk to you again after this...it'll probably be because this sickness has consumed me. And I'm sorry for what I do after, I don't know, but I'm not right anymore. And maybe I screwed it up for us. But I don't think so, I don't think it would have ever worked regardless. But if I get better, and live and if I get through this, and get over this feeling of alone and hopelessness...then I want you to know that I'm going to be the most awesome, beautiful, sucessful, kind woman ever to enter your life. And I'm promising myself right now, you will not have me if I get well. You don't deserve the good me, the best of me. I just...wanted you to know that I miss you and I hope you take care of yourself. Don't ever let yourself get too down, and I hope eventually...you do find the right girl. Love, One of the many  

So I took a risk today, but I think it was for the better. The whole time, the voice in my head was screaming at me, telling me to stop, telling me I was fat, I wasn't sick enough...I was a disgrace. But I realized something, that voice is always going to say that. No matter what, I will fail according to the "sick standards" she has for me. So I chose to ignore her. Which I think is the bravest thing I've done in a long time. I had a bowl of corn flakes this morning, yes, I measured the amount and got obsessive over it...but I digested it. I got in the car and drove to Lafayette to see my therapist. We stopped talking about my past and my dad and the mistakes I've made in life because I brought up the past few freakouts and unhealthy episodes I've been having as of late. This is a big step for me because I realize that if I had wanted to, I could have kept on lying to him all this time...he would think that I was a little obsessive about weight, but no harm there. But there is, and I spoke up. And as I said before, the whole time the voice in my head was just screaming and shrieking because I was taking away her control. And in doing that, I think I've gotten a better grip of control on my life consequently. He seemed suprised when I calmly told him everything that was going on in my mind...the voice, the food, the binging, purging, restricting, everything. He seemed concerned, but not angry, not alarmed, not frantic. I'm not being shipped off to be institutionalized, like the voice inside always warned me about. I feel numb right now. We're going to take things one step at a time, he said. First, we need to work on me keeping this journal and he said he doesn't want me to fight it, he wants me to understand it and keep a clear head and just tell him how I feel about things this week next time I see him. Fair enough. I told him I'd tried about two other instances in my life to recover, but I always never did good and failed because I went at it alone. He said that I wasn't alone now. It made me laugh because he said, "I'm in your shit now, Amy, whether you like it or not, which you won't sometimes...but at least you're not alone anymore." I don't ...I don't think anyone has said that to me before. No one has ever been so calm, so matter of fact, and so...unintusive about it. No one has ever made me feel like I'm not alone before, not that others haven't tried. And I don't know what to feel.