Venting ahead.  

I can't take it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I really hate myself right now. I can't stand myself, I can't take it. I can't go to any friends or family, I know what they will all say, they will all shake their heads in pity and tell me I'm crazy, tell me I'm being stupid, tell me that it's not true and it's just my warped view. But it's all I've ever seen, it's what I know, it's what I feel.

I feel so, so fat. I feel so disgusting. I can't stop putting myself down, beating myself up about it. I just can't stand myself, I really can't. I mean, I considered taking a knife to myself last night I was so angry. I'm just so infuriated with me. Every inch of me is just stinging with pain and hate. I hate myself, I hate myself. I don't know...I don't want to look like this. I feel disgusting.

Friends like to think that they understand this, they openly go on and on about how they hate themselves too. But they don't...they don't hate themselves. They let themselves eat and sleep, they let themselves read and relax and enjoy things. I can't , I won't, do any of those things and it's my fault. God, I can't stop going back on and on again to pro-ana sites and I just so badly wish for something to take me away so I don't have to do this anymore.

I have to go to school now, and I don't have today planned...I don't have it planned to be healthy or unhealthy or anything. I just don't want to think about it anymore. Oh, but I know I will, I will. I will obsess over it like I always do.

So today I packed a little baggie of about seven baby carrots for myself to snack on during my lunch period so that I would not get a case of dizziness or grumbling tummy and have at least something in my system.

I feel stupid because someone made a comment to me about, "well at least you're eating now." and it really got to me. I started worrying, jumping to conclusions, I suddenly felt as though everyone was watching me and talking about me eating and everyone thought I was giving in and pigging out. I know this is probably far from the truth, but my anxiety has a mind of its own sometimes.

I started thinking about how the carrots were 25 cals, and wondering if I walked up and down the hall and got a bathroom pass if I could burn it off. I took a sip of my diet coke and realized what a fool I was being. It was in that moment that I had the undying need to be normal. I wanted it so bad.

I saw my friends laughing and joking, and I joked along with them and acted like I was retarded...but my heart wasn't in it. I wonder, and am almost certain I am right, if I was the only one at the time calculating a plan on how to burn off the baby carrots I just ate. I wondered what it would be like to just...be laughing and joking and to really mean it. I wonder what a handful of baby carrots feels like when you enjoy it, when you have no idea how many calories you're eating and you don't care because it's just a handful of carrots.

I am about to go out to eat with my family. My mom said she wasn't going to invite me in the first place and said something like, "Are you going to even eat if you go?" I feel as though I have to, to prove it to myself. I am nervous but the memory of lunch today, I hope, will help me. I will be thinking of all of my fellow bloggers out there tonight. And I hope that I can enjoy my meal.

So yesterday, after my amazing "today is a new day" post, I began to consider abondoning my blog. I began to feel myself surrender willingly into my eating disorder, almost relieved, I wouldn't have to try anymore, I could get sicker and sicker and sicker and go away and never have any problems or responsiblities again. Other people could take care of me, and I could be in control of what went in and out of my body.

Instead of going with this thought, or pushing it away, I though, why? Why do I want to do this? Because it would be easy. Because it's so dissappointing to post blog after blog of 'I tried but oh well...'. Sometimes I feel so ashamed and get caught up in this limbo of not being a good enough anorexic, or not being a good enough recovering anorexic. It's so much easier to give up, give in, to stop trying because it's too hard.

I have to tell you now that I always try to make this blog inspirational, but it will also be real. I'm not going to always be in a good mood...a lot of times I turn to this blog for the moments that are so bad I have nowhere else to turn to. I won't always be doing great or on the road to recovery. But I will always try to shoot for it. Because if I give up this blog, I realize now, I'm not only giving up on you, I'm giving up on myself.

If I stop posting in here, if I stop trying to get better, it can only get worse. And yes, I won't have to take on the responsability of failure because I won't have tried. But then I will never know what it is like to succeed. If I do succeed at anorexia, I will die. If I succeed at health, I will live. It seems like a simple choice to make, but it's not.

I cannot point fingers at siblings, parenting, TV, chemicals, or therapists for this. This is me, and if this is about control, it's time I got some.

Today is a new day. Today I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Today I am me, and today I can feel or be whoever, whatever I want or need to be or feel. Today I am no longer tied down, today, everything that happened yesterday...happened yesterday. What will I do with this opportunity? What will you do with your day?

I wonder if I will limit myself, if I will not permit myself enough calories to feel and enjoy and experience like I wish I could. Will I get things done, free of inhibitions and food. Or will I limit myself, timidly aware of the scary things my human self wants, needs. Will I refuse myself my own humanity? Or will I live?

Today is a very important day. Today I am once again given the opputunity at a new life, a new existence. Today is a gift limited to only those as fortunate as I. Will I let the bad surpass the good, only drawing more terrible things to myself?

Or will I for once let myself feel and hunger and live? I'm the only person who is able to answer this question?

I want to be the girl whose presense dominates and influences the mood in a room. I want to be remembered as amazing - not withering and weak. I don't want to be a tragic icon. I want to be a respected, inspirational legend.

And what I become is all up to me, today.

I feel a lot better now that my mom got some food into me. At first I started having a panic attack, but I've calmed down and the two hundred cals have done me good. Mother is on a date now that I'm feeling better, and my little sister is in the family room watching TV.

I'm not sure if it was like a twenty four hour flu bug or that I hadn't eaten anything since almost two days ago. I guess I did have a bit of a relapse, which scares me because it was as if I was completely under my eating disorder's control again, I don't know...if I hadn't become so physically sick, I think I'd still be at it.

Anyway, the nausea is gone for now, I still feel extremely weak, my head hurts, but not as bad as it did earlier. I've goten a few more hours of sleep and some food in my belly: two apples, handful of baby carrots, saltine crackers, and a slice of toast...all stuff I thought my stomach could handle.

A lot of people are trying to get in touch with me right now, I feel bad but I just can't talk right now. It wouldn't be worth it, I'm like a breathing corpse, a zombie at this point.

I'm mad that I wasted my Saturday with this, but it's okay, I'll just try to do better. That's all I ever can do.

I feel so weak and terrible. My stomach is killing me like it never has before. I've lost two pounds since yesterday. None of my clothes are fitting right, and I can't deny it any longer. Yes, I am dealing with a relapse. It hasn't been going on too long, I don't think.

I woke up and felt like a bean bag, heavy and limp. And I could barely walk or get the room to stop spinning. I got a glass of water. Tried to get online for a bit. But I eventually got off and fell into bed. My mom seemed so angry. She kept saying, "Your body is rebelling against you, it has to eat!" She was trying to get me to eat a piece of bread, I just hurt so bad. I kept screaming at her that I wouldn't. It felt like I was back in the hospital and people were force feeding me.

I thought I was dying and my stomach hurt so bad I threw up, all that came out was stomach acid, green bile. My throat is on fire and I'm having a hard time keeping my head up right now. I'm angry at myself. I want so badly to get up and go somewhere. I want to go on a walk, to get out of the house. But I can barely lift up my arm. It took me an hour to convince myself to get out of bed and type this.

My mom is at the store getting me apples. I'm so scared, and I don't know why. I just really needed to post something because I need to talk to someone. I just feel like I have nowhere to go, and I hate that. I hate being out of control, and I hate how this is happening.  

The most dangerous place in my house? That has to be the kitchen. I just realized how much time my family spends in the kitchen. More time than they spend in their bedrooms or any other room in the house, I know that for sure. I think a lot of other families are like that. Not purposefully...but let's face it, food is linked to social contact and love and togetherness in our society. Where do you think the concept "comfort food" came from?

That's what makes it difficult for an anorexic or bulimic, we not only lose our health, but we pull away from friends and family and social concept and love. Because we hunger for that hunger. We feel a void and we fill it with our so called control.

Just now my sister and mother made some rolls together while I've been online. They both just came in the room just now beaming with a plate full of steaming rolls, wanting me to try some. They were so happy about their accomplishment, and through food, they spent time together. Through food, they have accomplished something. See how easily we connect food to major things in our lives that have nothing to do with food at all? It's no wonder we're all so prone to some kind of eating disorder, it's everywhere. Emotions and food. Sometimes they seem to go hand in hand, at least for me.

Anyway, I'm just feeling guilty because I basically screamed at them and told them to get the food out of my face and go somewhere else with it.

The shame and remorse of doing that got me thinking about the kitchen, our kitchen. It really is the most dangerous place in my house, and ironically, it is where I probably have to start in order to get better and live.

My self esteem is still at an ultimate low. I had some hot chocolate to eat today, I enjoyed the feeling of substance, you know? It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy something rich, and really enjoy it. Anyway, I figured it would be panic-attack proof because I haven't had anything to eat since yesterday afternoon. I was walking home from the coffee place and just, my stomach threw the stuff back at me. I threw up without intending to into my hand and had to bend into the bushes to try to wipe myself off, I ended up washing off in a fountain a little. I don't know what happened, I am concerned and don't want anything like that to happen again.

I think that I've lost my period again. It should've been here. But I think it may just be stress about school, not the food thing. I hope I'm right, I guess only time can tell. For some reason I feel as though I don't have time. I don't know, but I feel frantic, like I need to lose weight for something about to happen as fast as I possibly can. This is ridiculous. I don't know, seems like my brain has split in half. It's sad to see what my ambitions have spiraled down to be. Used to be...actress, job, love, life. Now it's, to starve not to starve, don't throw up more than twice today, etc. It's kind of depressing.

I've been lying to my therapist about my weight. I don't know why, and it makes me feel really guilty. I keep moving back and then improving a little and then faltering back. It's really stressful and I'm tired of this.

Anyway, my aunt used to have an eating disorder so I'm thinking about writing her and talking to her about it. I don't know how to start...where to begin. I guess "hi" would be somewhere to start.

I'm feeling really bad about myself right now. I know I just made a post an hour or two ago but I can't get it out of my head and I just need a distraction because I'm home alone and so miserable. I just can't bring myself to do anything and I hate what I look like, I really do.

I know this is worth it, dinner will be worth it. It means another day alive and well, another chance to see the sun and my friends and to listen to music. I must take it one bite at a time. But sometimes silence sounds better than anything else. That silence that only comes when you're not alive.

This is not an option yet, I will die of natural causes, and live to be old and prosperous, I have to. It seems like the need to be thin is encoded into me just like the need for water and shelter. But not like the need for food, no. Food for me feels ravishing, forbidden, scary, and unnatural.

This is all mixed up and backwards. Sometimes I wish I didn't keep everything from my friends and family.

I talked with my therapist yesterday about my trip to Arizona and what's been going on lately. He said something that interested me, he said I'm going to have to learn how to "eat with your head". I'm still pondering on that one, I think I know what he's getting at but I want to be absolutely sure first.

Yesterday the eating situation wasn't too bad. Apple, green beans, cereal, and some cheetos...which I threw up, but just the cheetos. I want to stop that though. I want to be able to eat some friggin cheetos when I feel like it, that's a completely rational, normal thing to want to do.

Anyway, I packed a slimfast drink for school today, drank about half of that...it wasn't cold so it was unappetising. Anyway, I'm having some carrots right now for a snack, and I think I might make some onion soup for myself tonight to enjoy. I feel kind of proud of myself, I think I'm doing a better job. I mean, despite how I feel, I'm doing a better job. I feel fat, I feel out of control, I have this immense self hatred problem going on...like I feel incapable of doing simple things because I feel like a overweight failure. But I have to let myself feel those things, and then move on, you know? There's no sense in keeping it in, and I have to let that voice say those things, but listen to the more rational, sensible part of myself too, and let her run the show. That would be a first in...well, my whole life.

I'm sorry to anyone reading this if listing what I eat daily is triggering or problematic to you. It's just that it's a good way for me to feel in control without doing anything unhealthy. It's easier for me, personally, to sit down and run through things and mull them over so that I don't have a panic attack and jump to silly conclusions.

I'm feeling pretty calm, pretty chill right now. I did end up weighing myself last night, I gained about half a pound (we have a digital scale) and I was really upset for a few minutes. But I realize now that I'm in a more realistic state of mind that half of a pound...that's water weight, that's nothing. And even if it was real weight gain, so what? Well...I know what, but I'm tired of ruining my whole day because of a number. And yes, I will probably weigh myself again tonight and pray for the number I see to go down...but at least now I won't try to kill myself if it doesn't.