I'm really sorry...I lied. Last night didn't stop with 480 calories, and I didn't feel great. At first, I guess I did. I felt okay. But then it hit me how much I had eaten...480. It scared me and I panicked and I hurt myself a bit. As if that wasn't enough, I went and ate more...like two chewy bars and some saltine crackers with peanut butter on them. I started to choke because I was shoving stuff in my mouth, but I just kept on eating it thinking that I didn't care if I choked and died. I didn't care then because I already felt like I had nothing.

I woke up about thirty minutes ago. I refuse to weigh myself, although that's a lie, I probably will. The thing is, I don't feel safe right now. Not by myself and not with people around. I don't trust people or me, and I don't want to go back to the hospital, but things aren't getting better, are they?

I think that I'm waiting for myself to drop dead or faint in class or something, and then I think I'll be sick enough to finally turn myself in to people who will help. But I won't feel that way, that's not true. No matter what I do, I don't think I will ever let myself feel "sick enough", thin enough. My bad eating habbits have come in like a tidal wave, an avalanche, and I feel like a twig in their strong wake and I feel helpless. But I also feel the temptation to surrender.

I don't really know what to do right now but go along with the flow and keep on lying and keep on struggling. I don't know, I think that my mom is getting fed up with me. I'm almost positive I saw her researching eating disorder clinics online. She clicked out of the window so fast though I'm not certain.

I'm exhausted, but I just wanted to write real quick to say that tonight has to be the best night of my life...in months. Haha. Seriously, I just want to stay in this moment right now, it feels great. I had two apples and some popcorn in the theatre! And I came home, and you know what? I made myself some toast with butter on it because I wanted some. I have had 480 calories today and I'm not freaking out! I'm okay, I really am. I feel like things are going to be all right, they are.

I'm going to be okay, you guys.

I'm going to go shopping with my mother right now and after that she wants to get something to eat, she didn't ask me if I wanted to get anything, just that she would drop me off before she got food or something. Which hurts, but I think she's trying not to pressure me, which I guess is thoughtful of her.

After that we're going to go see Hairspray again...I really liked that movie, it made me feel like I'm okay in the body that I'm in momentarily, if only I could bottle that feeling and keep it with me always.

My mom and my little sister were talking about me today, about the restaurants I used to go to them with and what I used to eat and the things I used to enjoy. I hated how many times they said "used", like I'm dead now, like I don't exist anymore. I can understand how they would feel that way but you know what, I'm trying hard to be better.
I sort of remember the things and food I liked too, like when I was eight we would get pizza and I would eat it and put that shredded cheese on it and just enjoy it. It's fuzzy, but the memory is still there.

Anyway, I've had half of a veggie burger pattie on a slice of wheat bread and a diet coke today. It took a lot of self control to not throw up, and you know what, my stomach feels uneasy but I feel proud of myself. I didn't throw it up, and it's still inside my body and that's okay.

I'm going to pack my own snacks in the movie theatre in my bag, my mom bought me some low calorie popcorn packs and I'm bringing an apple and I'm going to freaking enjoy this because that's what movies are all about.

Turns out I didn't lose my period again that I had worked so hard to get back...it was just late and I was jumping to conclusions. Sorry for the details, but I was so happy to realize in the middle of Civics that I was bleeding. I wanted to announce it to the whole class "MY PMS IS HERE!!"

I know that the theory about anorectics is that they resent puberty and periods and transforming into a woman. But I LOVE my period. I embrace the terrible cramps I'm having right now, to me it's heaven. It's like initiation into being a normal woman. It's something natural and normal that my body is actually supposed to be doing. It's great, I feel like I've done something right in my life when I get my period.

This is interesting to me because I usually try so hard not to fit in in almost all aspects of my life, I mean I freaking hide my eating issues from people not because I don't want them to stop me but because I don't want them to know because I feel like it would be cliche and predictable to have an eating disorder! But I think somewhere deep inside the little girl in me wants to feel safe and like she belongs. And that's okay with me, for now.

I was just thinking about it...I say that getting my period makes me happy because it's something normal that my body is doing and it makes me feel safe. Well, it's normal and naturally for me to be hungry too...so why am I so terrified of it?

I promised myself I wouldn't get upset in this post. I'm getting sick of myself reading my blog, haha. I read it and feel like I'm reading the blog of an idiot. Anyway, I just wanted to let everyone know that this is the first week that I won't be seeing my therapist. I was nervous because that would mean I'd have more crap to have to tell him about when I do see him next, also...I always feel like if I ever take anything too far, someone's out there who knows what kind of help I need. I don't trust him, not at all. But I do trust him to follow the rules, to keep my buisness private. And I trust him to shut up and be quiet when I'm talking. I also appreciate his patience with my dirty, loud mouth in our sessions.

I am not a rebellious, typical teenager in that I even pretend to act like no one understand or that grown ups = BAD. No, I find that pathectically dumb and predictable. I'm tired of all the little girls at my school and my friends who think it's great to broadcast to the world about their "eating disorders". Meanwhile I will keep trying for health, I will keep smiling, I will not be predictable, and I will do something with my life. That's my approach to all of this. I've decided to not bother with caring about them anymore. Isn't that cruel, I don't care about my friends. Well, I actually do, to some extent. But I don't let them affect me. They are people to talk to, they are people to cheer me up, they are people I trust more than others, and they are people who I would take a bullet for. But when they are pointing the guns at themselves I don't care.

I have myself and my own life threatening drama to worry about. I'm tired of that people who are actually TRYING for an eating disorder. I mean, come on, get over yourself and let it go. It's your decision but I'm tired of it. And I'll say what I very well please. I don't care if what I have to say is supposedly offensive. People all over the world have tried to be politically correct and unoffensive for too long and look where it's gotten us.

Anyway, I just wanted to post this becasuse my blog entries have been...weak as of late and I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm not going anywhere.

I'm having a really bad panic attack right now because ...well, I don't know why. No, I didn't make the cookies. I can't do it, I'm sorry, I can't. And no, I did not binge, I can't do that either. I don't really know what to do. I tried to kind of hint at my mom about how I'm having a breakdown right now but she didn't notice. See, I'm getting a little too good at playing it cool, it's getting harder and harder for people to even notice anything is wrong.

I had to get off the phone with a friend who right now I bet is all trying to 'evaluate' our conversation and probably feels victimized and like I don't care and whatever. Fine, I'd rather have her feel that way then think anything is wrong with me. I'd rather have her think I'm mad at her than that I just honestly don't care about anything but myself. I don't feel depressed, I don't feel anything. Doesn't anyone understand this? I DON'T feel anything but hunger and numb and nothing. Never, it's been this way for forever, I don't feel it.

Anyway, a lot of people in my life are playing victims and letting me take the fall. I know I whine a lot in this journal but that's because I'm always nice and polite and cheerful when I talk to other friends. I try to say the right thing and do the right thing, and I'm sorry, but I don't have any best friends. I don't have time for best friends. I don't have time for anything. I just have me and this ...thing. That's it, and yeah, duh, I hate it but what am I supposed to do?

I'm so damn hungry. There, I said it. I'm so so so so hungry. I want food and I want to feel passionate about something and I want to live. I'm starving for it.

My stomach has never hurt so bad...oh, God...I just don't know what to do. I really, really need someone to talk to but I really really don't want to talk to freaking anyone. Everyone makes me so angry. Everyone pisses me off, and I don't know why but I want everyone to leave me alone.

A little less than two years ago during a time like this...I would have been calling someone who used to be my closest friend. He always listened and it helped better than anyone else listening. He didn't evaluate or care or stay silent or hang on anything. And now he hates me. He won't talk to me, he won't do it. No matter how hard I try he won't talk to me. The more I see him the more I want to starve because I think about him and his friend who have both hurt me so much in their own way. And then I think about my other friends who all seem to have these terrible, terrible lives and never do something just because, it's always deep and the end of the world, just like it is with me. And I feel like I'm trapped and there's a huge wall and I want my friend back so bad. It makes me want to get worse when I see him now though instead of helping. Like I want to show him off for ever leaving me, abondoning me without any explanation. And I still have to see him every day and he won't even make eye contact, won't respond to a simple 'hi'.

Oh, God, I'm so upset. I haven't cried in so long and I think I might. I'm actually trying right now and it seems physically impossible which is scary but I feel like I can't cry, even alone right now when I always thought I could.

I'm so hungry, and I don't know what to do. I know this may be triggering, well...definitely triggering to a lot of girls but I really need to list what I've eaten today so I can calm down, so please don't read if it will trigger you.

Okay, sheesh. Two apples. Carrot sticks. Green beans. Gum. Diet Coke. Two saltine crackers.

Okay, Amy, this is not a lot! Get it through your thick head that this is NOT a lot of food and you are fine! 

I don't know what to do with myself, I want this all to stop, I want it to go away and I want someone to talk to.  

I found this recipe for low calorie cookies. See, I haven't had anything sweet in over a month besides like...sugar free gum. I figure I should let myself do this and eat the cookies without depriving myself and then cracking down and binging and doing something harmful and purging it back. And it's better to just get the cravings out of my system. So, taking my therapists advice, I'm going to make the recipe because it will give me something to do, something to calm me down and to let me think. And also, I eat something sweet that's not too bad for me.

I think I will be okay. Oh, God....please let this end up okay.

I'm crossing my fingers.

I don't know what I'm posting this blog for yet. I just feel like I need to. I have nothing to say. It's the same, today has been the same as all the other days that I don't remember. I don't remember what happened last week. I remember what I ate.

Today I woke up, avoided weighing myself, got dressed, took some diet pills, did some sit ups, and then scolded myself for doing that, thought of you guys and decided to eat today. Went to school and drank a diet coke. I got home about half an hour ago. I've had four carrots, an apple, and one saltine cracker. And now comes the inner conflict. In the sick part of my mind, this is good, and I've had a whole day's worth of food and I need to exercise, take more pills and not eat for the rest of the day, just like yesterday and the day before. To the part of me that likes life and likes the thought of being healthy, I'm debating about how to fit in a healthy dinner that will not make me freak out but will still have enough nutrients and calories in it for me to be alive and well.

And then there's the part of me that feels like she's not a part of me at all. Like she's someone else and she's been watching herself do all these things her whole life. She feels the pressure, the heat is on now officially. What choice will I make? Will I go to a close friend for support or get my "support" from some pro-ana site while I'm supposedly getting better.
She chose to post on this blog instead and realized she had nothing to say. I'm beginning to see a partern in my blog posts, they seem so tedious and annoying to read when I go through them. If that weren't me, I would strangle whoever was writing them out of frustration.
I have to wonder if people in my life feel like that about me.

Anyway, I've been listening to the song "Into Pieces" by Hungry Lucy right now for support because it's a neutral song to me. It doesn't make me sad or happy, it makes me think.

I look at all of my friends and I think I have things pretty well off. Most of them are thinner than me and yet I'm the one with eating problems. Or maybe they all have eating problems. I've always been ashamed to say anything because I don't want people to think I'm too fat for an eating disorder or that I'm looking for attention. It's the exact opposite actually...like, I really just want to disintergrate. Not die, just disappear and go away and have everyone forget me and me forget myself. I guess in a way I am trying to pull a disappearing at. And it's working, I'm losing everyone and everything.

This is something I could relate to extremely well. It was made by a girl I subscribe to on youtube, and I hope you find it just as helpful as I did.

I know it doesn't have any answers or anything, but I fould it helped me feel more determined towards living a healthy life that I can be proud of someday.

The whole "self hate" episode I was having this morning I guess is due to last night. We went out to eat, and I'd have to say I did good. I didn't refuse food, and I didn't order the greesiest thing on the menu either. I got the soup and salad deal and ate my side salad and my soup and I felt full and better.

But then we went to the supermarket and I had a little run in with some obsessive behaviors of mine. I think the insecurity after eating was what it might have branched off from. Anyway, I insisted we had to go to the bread section, spent at least an hour there, I swear, while I read the nutrition label of every package they had, ranting on about how they don't tell you everything because there's this conspiracy to make us fat or something. My mom was all worried and was trying to make me leave but then I saw the peanut butter and started going on about that, and read every brand I saw and compared them...I felt like I had to, just in case, for later, if I ever needed to know. It was very important.

The thing is, I could have stopped myself, I do have control over my own actions, so I feel bad for surrendering into that behavior. Went home and shoved slices and slices of toast with peanut butter and regular butter slathered on them. I just don't know what was happening last night, it was the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten but I really wanted it, like a pregnant lady or something. Haha.

Anyway, I woke up and realized everything that had happened and I just...snapped. I feel really bad and really stupid, you know?

Anyway, yesterday still wasn't a failure, I did normally in a restaurant and i enjoyed it. I know if I can do that, I can do it again.