I'm having some issues right now with fasting and eating at all period. Mentally, I feel extremely calm and just...good. But I know I must not be good mentally or I would be able to eat right now. I still haven't weighed myself, but seriously today...just walking around with my friend was so strenuous that I just kept having to tell myself, "don't faint, don't faint". It's almost as if I refuse to let myself be sick. Anyway, I feel no anxiety, at least not openly, about eating. It must be all subconcious right now or something because I feel pretty much...nothing.

Got this from http://fishyvb.something-fishy.org/index.php

Hope the rest of you find it helpful in some way.

"I feel 'fat'"

First, we've said this many time before. "Fat" isn't a feeling. Sad, happy, angry, frustrated, annoyed, scared, confused, vulnerable, lonely, (in)validated, cheerful, surprised, pride; these are feelings.

When you say "I feel fat" what do you think you really are trying to say? When you say "I want to be thin" what do you think you are really looking for?

While looking in the mirror, on your worst day, how would you describe yourself -- the catch -- you cannot use the words fat or thin or overweight or skinny or any of their counterparts. You also cannot use the word ugly. In our little world we aren't seeing physical descriptions.

See yourself for who you are -- not what your physical appearance and/or size is, or what you think it is.

This is my response:

When I look in the mirror I see a girl who is vulnerable, out of control, scared, weak, and stupid. I feel alone, worthless, and cliche. When I go on diets and starve myself I am doing it because it makes me feel powerful, safe, like a winner, successful, confident, and in some way...happy. I never accept my body because I have never accepted myself, I hate what I look like because I feel that others will and so I put myself down beforehand. That's what I think.

so much better! I think it's because I did all my homework, I showered and got dressed, I've been cleaning and everything (except for me) is in order and well. My mom called and said that she got an appoitment with the specialist and we'll see what happens from there. Oh, and I had breakfast today: banana and cheerios. It's three thirty now and I don't know, but I'll try to do the right thing and eat. Oh, and I'm not weighing myself today, I refuse to. I don't need to add that kind of pressure while things feel okay.

I don't know, just thought I'd write and say that. I just finished "Stick Figure", the book about the eleven year old anorexic, it was very moving and got me thinking, a lot. I reccomend it.

Anyway, I'm out of things to say, so thought I'd post this video, very easy to relate to. I just love this chick.

Have a safe, healthy day, you guys!

This time my mom tried to wake me up, she sighed and said, "Amy, you know...at this rate that you're going in, you're going to be right back in the hospital in a few days." That didn't rouse me, I already had a feeling she would say that. That doesn't scare me right now, I'm afraid to stay alive, I'm afraid to try. I'm not afraid to die.

I'm going to go to school tomorrow though and take my tests and make up work so I can fall right back into the scheduale and hopefully no one will even notice I was gone.

"Skinny...and it will make you cry, skinny...and it will make you lie." - Filter - "Skinny" Love it.

Yesterday was very hard. I binged and purged. I binged some more, purged that up, but my mom caught me the second time. She didn't say anything, just walked out and pretended like nothing happened. I think she's sick of me, whatever, I am too.

I saw my therapist for the last time yesterday. He said he's sending to me a specialist and that I am beyond his help. My mom says it was big of him to say that. He said that he wished he didn't have to refer me to somone else...and that he would miss me, but I had a lot of work to do and he knew I would turn out to be a very interesting person. He said he regretted not being able to continue working with me because I am a very interesting case. He said I intrigue him. My mom signed some papers, he's calling an eating disorder specialist for me. He asked me what I thought about being hospitalized, I told him I didn't like the idea, he said to try working with the specialist, and see what goes from there.

I wanted to give him a hug goodbye because to be honest, I've never felt a bond with any of my therapists like I have with him. And it makes me hurt so badly inside because I feel like he's leaving me but I should be used to it, this will just make number eight of my therapists and I should just move on. I just feel like....it's so stupid to say this but I feel like he replaced my dad and I finally got a glimpse of what it was like to have a dad. And maybe...maybe I want that. But I don't need it so I'll get over it. God, I'm crying.

Anyway, farwell to you, Doctor. I really appreciate you. Thank you for not locking me up.