This past day has felt like a year of ups and downs and betters and relapses. Now I am home alone, missed school, my mom let me sleep in. She didn't even try to wake me up (don't blame her). I guess we're going to get an excuse from my therapist for school.

Let's see...yesterday I woke up exhausted, even though the night before I'd made sure to go to sleep very early. Realized I was out of diet pills. I still had a bottle of two other brands but I'd run out of my favorite brand, and I have this obsessive thing where I have to take them in order at certain times in certain ways and if I can't, it's all or nothing. So I figured I'd just skip them, go cold turkey, I didn't need them, right? Ugh.

Anyway, I was so unbelievably dizzy and tired all day, I have no idea how I did anything or walked, seriously I felt like I was dying. I can't describe it, and it also upset me because I hate feeling dependent...and yesterday just proved how much I am.

Went home, ate some apples and a bowl of cereal, panicked because I realized I had consumed 240 calories, ran around the house freaking out. We had to go clean out the bookstore yesterday which was just great, haha, spiderwebs and dead roaches everywhere, but I felt okay because I was being active and useful and that made me feel better about, you know, being a human being and eating. Then my friend's mom thought it would be nice to bring us some Chinese food. Which, it really was, but I could have died. So I sat there trying to avoid the food and yet eat something and appear to be cool with it so my friend would eat hers and be cool with it and my sister would too. Which is stupid because I am not responsible for them. Went to the bathroom, threw up just a mouthful but got scared/upset at myself/ depressed and stopped and went back out and did leg lifts and some sit-ups.

I mean, I shouldn't have freaked out, I had some steamed shrimp, white rice, and some brocilli. But it still just triggered all of this crap back up and I was so upset it felt like I couldn't breathe.

We went to the grocery store, I bought more diet pills, apples, and carrots. Then I smelt and saw the donuts and wanted them so bad. I spent like ten minutes reading the nutrition facts of all the bread, donuts, and cookies, and cakes that they had and then opted for not getting any. I felt like crying, my stomach hurt so bad, I was so angry for no reason at all.

I went home, ate an apple, told my mom I hated myself, collapsed into bed at 8:40 pm because I was so exhausted, I'm still exhausted. And I woke up alone at ten.

I don't know, it doesn't seem like a big deal but I honestly don't know what to do. Anyway, I guess I just wanted to get all that off my chest. I have an appoitment with my therapist today and I really don't want to talk about anything. I just want someone to give me medicine and say, there, it's better. I wish this were like the flu or something. A five year long flu...