"What am I doing here? What am I waiting for? Will somebody fall from heaven...and join me on the floor..."

I am listening to a song that has gotten me through a lot of stuff for years, and I have no idea why. "Sugarfalls" by Tapping the Vein.

I need to take out the trash in the bathroom, it smells disgusting in there. I puked my guts out in the trash can last night with the heater on so no one would hear. I did not ask my mom for help or for a way for me to get to a hospital or at least for some alternative to what I'm doing now because I didn't think I could go on last night. But I'm not asking her, her and my sister are really stressed out right now. Of course, we don't show it to other people because we never have, we're the family everyone wants to be a part of because we always look happy, loving, and laid back. We look it.

We are going to be extremely tight on money right now, and my mom is at her wit's end and feels like a failure as a mother. I cannot do that to my family. I cannot waste my parent's money on a trip to the hospital where I will be the fattest one. I cannot keep doing this. It would be different if I were really sick and dying and couldn't help it, but I can help it. All I have to do is stop, the easiest, most terribly hard thing to do in the world.

I have two different friends coming to me right now, wanting to know if I think they have an eating disorder. I know they're not...but it almost as if they're trying for one. Like they think it will make things easier, interestingly tragic, and that they'll get attention. It just screws everything up, can you be more stupid? Don't they see I can't handle this crap?! No, of course they don't because I act as if I can handle everything. I'm Amy, I have a good life, I'm smiling, I'm confident, and I'm going somewhere. So come to me with your problems because I'm perfect and have all the time in the world without any cares at all. That's the message I think I sometimes send out to friends.

Anyway, I feel I have to get better, if not for myself than for my family. I can't put them through this. I was honestly going to surrender and give up and check myself in somewhere last night but when I saw my mom she looked bad enough already. I looked at how little money we have and realized how incredibly selfish I am. My mom needs me to watch my sister, she needs me to help her with the shop, my sister needs me for a good example, for some kind of hope in her crappy life. Who's going to feed the dogs or make people laugh without me? But what's going to happen to me...? I have to get better, and I have to do it on my own.

Now, if you excuse me, I have some trash to take out before anyone notices the stench.