No comment on today. I know I didn't eat a normal amount of food, less than I ate yesterday. And I'm feeling down on myself...suprise suprise.

Anyway, Right now I'm having a hard time staying awake, not feeling well again. The thought of school starting up is making me relieved and also feeling scared. I'm scared because I'll have to be around people who I have to keep my guard up around, which is strenuous and I'm drained emotionally and spiritually right now, even a little physically I guess. I'm relieved because I get out of the house for eight hours, no choices to make about food, no pressure. I'm away from home and I'm forced to sit in a desk and work which I despise but there are less risks of me getting a panic attack there. Less hours to be at home and battle myself with.

This is not a permanant solution, school, I mean. It's really an escape from all the crap but I'm open to escapes at the moment.

I had a lot of feelings and things I wanted to talk about tonight but I'm just so exhausted I can't do it. My fingers keep hitting the wrong keys because I'm so out of focus. So yeah, tomorrow I'll have more engergy I guess.

One thing I'm worried about: my dependancy on diet pills has increased even more. I had eight today and that was one of my low days which is scary. Feels like I can't move or function without them. My nerves are terrible too. I'm getting obsessive about little things and paranoid and it's driving my mom up the wall. I had this episode in this department store the other day about time and only spending a certain amount of time down to the second in each section. I started pulling on my hair and kicking the wall when we ended up staying longer. I didn't even notice I was doing it until my mom told me to stop. I've been having breathing and coordination problems lately which is worrying me. I can't make a connection to any of my life style habbits that could cause that.

Anyway, yeah. I can hear my mom's car, she's just getting home so I'd better go. It's almost two a.m. She was on a date.

Later.

I'm really sorry...I lied. Last night didn't stop with 480 calories, and I didn't feel great. At first, I guess I did. I felt okay. But then it hit me how much I had eaten...480. It scared me and I panicked and I hurt myself a bit. As if that wasn't enough, I went and ate more...like two chewy bars and some saltine crackers with peanut butter on them. I started to choke because I was shoving stuff in my mouth, but I just kept on eating it thinking that I didn't care if I choked and died. I didn't care then because I already felt like I had nothing.

I woke up about thirty minutes ago. I refuse to weigh myself, although that's a lie, I probably will. The thing is, I don't feel safe right now. Not by myself and not with people around. I don't trust people or me, and I don't want to go back to the hospital, but things aren't getting better, are they?

I think that I'm waiting for myself to drop dead or faint in class or something, and then I think I'll be sick enough to finally turn myself in to people who will help. But I won't feel that way, that's not true. No matter what I do, I don't think I will ever let myself feel "sick enough", thin enough. My bad eating habbits have come in like a tidal wave, an avalanche, and I feel like a twig in their strong wake and I feel helpless. But I also feel the temptation to surrender.

I don't really know what to do right now but go along with the flow and keep on lying and keep on struggling. I don't know, I think that my mom is getting fed up with me. I'm almost positive I saw her researching eating disorder clinics online. She clicked out of the window so fast though I'm not certain.