I'm exhausted, but I just wanted to write real quick to say that tonight has to be the best night of my life...in months. Haha. Seriously, I just want to stay in this moment right now, it feels great. I had two apples and some popcorn in the theatre! And I came home, and you know what? I made myself some toast with butter on it because I wanted some. I have had 480 calories today and I'm not freaking out! I'm okay, I really am. I feel like things are going to be all right, they are.

I'm going to be okay, you guys.

I'm going to go shopping with my mother right now and after that she wants to get something to eat, she didn't ask me if I wanted to get anything, just that she would drop me off before she got food or something. Which hurts, but I think she's trying not to pressure me, which I guess is thoughtful of her.

After that we're going to go see Hairspray again...I really liked that movie, it made me feel like I'm okay in the body that I'm in momentarily, if only I could bottle that feeling and keep it with me always.

My mom and my little sister were talking about me today, about the restaurants I used to go to them with and what I used to eat and the things I used to enjoy. I hated how many times they said "used", like I'm dead now, like I don't exist anymore. I can understand how they would feel that way but you know what, I'm trying hard to be better.
I sort of remember the things and food I liked too, like when I was eight we would get pizza and I would eat it and put that shredded cheese on it and just enjoy it. It's fuzzy, but the memory is still there.

Anyway, I've had half of a veggie burger pattie on a slice of wheat bread and a diet coke today. It took a lot of self control to not throw up, and you know what, my stomach feels uneasy but I feel proud of myself. I didn't throw it up, and it's still inside my body and that's okay.

I'm going to pack my own snacks in the movie theatre in my bag, my mom bought me some low calorie popcorn packs and I'm bringing an apple and I'm going to freaking enjoy this because that's what movies are all about.

Turns out I didn't lose my period again that I had worked so hard to get back...it was just late and I was jumping to conclusions. Sorry for the details, but I was so happy to realize in the middle of Civics that I was bleeding. I wanted to announce it to the whole class "MY PMS IS HERE!!"

I know that the theory about anorectics is that they resent puberty and periods and transforming into a woman. But I LOVE my period. I embrace the terrible cramps I'm having right now, to me it's heaven. It's like initiation into being a normal woman. It's something natural and normal that my body is actually supposed to be doing. It's great, I feel like I've done something right in my life when I get my period.

This is interesting to me because I usually try so hard not to fit in in almost all aspects of my life, I mean I freaking hide my eating issues from people not because I don't want them to stop me but because I don't want them to know because I feel like it would be cliche and predictable to have an eating disorder! But I think somewhere deep inside the little girl in me wants to feel safe and like she belongs. And that's okay with me, for now.

I was just thinking about it...I say that getting my period makes me happy because it's something normal that my body is doing and it makes me feel safe. Well, it's normal and naturally for me to be hungry too...so why am I so terrified of it?