I'm having a really bad panic attack right now because ...well, I don't know why. No, I didn't make the cookies. I can't do it, I'm sorry, I can't. And no, I did not binge, I can't do that either. I don't really know what to do. I tried to kind of hint at my mom about how I'm having a breakdown right now but she didn't notice. See, I'm getting a little too good at playing it cool, it's getting harder and harder for people to even notice anything is wrong.

I had to get off the phone with a friend who right now I bet is all trying to 'evaluate' our conversation and probably feels victimized and like I don't care and whatever. Fine, I'd rather have her feel that way then think anything is wrong with me. I'd rather have her think I'm mad at her than that I just honestly don't care about anything but myself. I don't feel depressed, I don't feel anything. Doesn't anyone understand this? I DON'T feel anything but hunger and numb and nothing. Never, it's been this way for forever, I don't feel it.

Anyway, a lot of people in my life are playing victims and letting me take the fall. I know I whine a lot in this journal but that's because I'm always nice and polite and cheerful when I talk to other friends. I try to say the right thing and do the right thing, and I'm sorry, but I don't have any best friends. I don't have time for best friends. I don't have time for anything. I just have me and this ...thing. That's it, and yeah, duh, I hate it but what am I supposed to do?

I'm so damn hungry. There, I said it. I'm so so so so hungry. I want food and I want to feel passionate about something and I want to live. I'm starving for it.

My stomach has never hurt so bad...oh, God...I just don't know what to do. I really, really need someone to talk to but I really really don't want to talk to freaking anyone. Everyone makes me so angry. Everyone pisses me off, and I don't know why but I want everyone to leave me alone.

A little less than two years ago during a time like this...I would have been calling someone who used to be my closest friend. He always listened and it helped better than anyone else listening. He didn't evaluate or care or stay silent or hang on anything. And now he hates me. He won't talk to me, he won't do it. No matter how hard I try he won't talk to me. The more I see him the more I want to starve because I think about him and his friend who have both hurt me so much in their own way. And then I think about my other friends who all seem to have these terrible, terrible lives and never do something just because, it's always deep and the end of the world, just like it is with me. And I feel like I'm trapped and there's a huge wall and I want my friend back so bad. It makes me want to get worse when I see him now though instead of helping. Like I want to show him off for ever leaving me, abondoning me without any explanation. And I still have to see him every day and he won't even make eye contact, won't respond to a simple 'hi'.

Oh, God, I'm so upset. I haven't cried in so long and I think I might. I'm actually trying right now and it seems physically impossible which is scary but I feel like I can't cry, even alone right now when I always thought I could.

I'm so hungry, and I don't know what to do. I know this may be triggering, well...definitely triggering to a lot of girls but I really need to list what I've eaten today so I can calm down, so please don't read if it will trigger you.

Okay, sheesh. Two apples. Carrot sticks. Green beans. Gum. Diet Coke. Two saltine crackers.

Okay, Amy, this is not a lot! Get it through your thick head that this is NOT a lot of food and you are fine! 

I don't know what to do with myself, I want this all to stop, I want it to go away and I want someone to talk to.  

I found this recipe for low calorie cookies. See, I haven't had anything sweet in over a month besides like...sugar free gum. I figure I should let myself do this and eat the cookies without depriving myself and then cracking down and binging and doing something harmful and purging it back. And it's better to just get the cravings out of my system. So, taking my therapists advice, I'm going to make the recipe because it will give me something to do, something to calm me down and to let me think. And also, I eat something sweet that's not too bad for me.

I think I will be okay. Oh, God....please let this end up okay.

I'm crossing my fingers.

I don't know what I'm posting this blog for yet. I just feel like I need to. I have nothing to say. It's the same, today has been the same as all the other days that I don't remember. I don't remember what happened last week. I remember what I ate.

Today I woke up, avoided weighing myself, got dressed, took some diet pills, did some sit ups, and then scolded myself for doing that, thought of you guys and decided to eat today. Went to school and drank a diet coke. I got home about half an hour ago. I've had four carrots, an apple, and one saltine cracker. And now comes the inner conflict. In the sick part of my mind, this is good, and I've had a whole day's worth of food and I need to exercise, take more pills and not eat for the rest of the day, just like yesterday and the day before. To the part of me that likes life and likes the thought of being healthy, I'm debating about how to fit in a healthy dinner that will not make me freak out but will still have enough nutrients and calories in it for me to be alive and well.

And then there's the part of me that feels like she's not a part of me at all. Like she's someone else and she's been watching herself do all these things her whole life. She feels the pressure, the heat is on now officially. What choice will I make? Will I go to a close friend for support or get my "support" from some pro-ana site while I'm supposedly getting better.
She chose to post on this blog instead and realized she had nothing to say. I'm beginning to see a partern in my blog posts, they seem so tedious and annoying to read when I go through them. If that weren't me, I would strangle whoever was writing them out of frustration.
I have to wonder if people in my life feel like that about me.

Anyway, I've been listening to the song "Into Pieces" by Hungry Lucy right now for support because it's a neutral song to me. It doesn't make me sad or happy, it makes me think.

I look at all of my friends and I think I have things pretty well off. Most of them are thinner than me and yet I'm the one with eating problems. Or maybe they all have eating problems. I've always been ashamed to say anything because I don't want people to think I'm too fat for an eating disorder or that I'm looking for attention. It's the exact opposite actually...like, I really just want to disintergrate. Not die, just disappear and go away and have everyone forget me and me forget myself. I guess in a way I am trying to pull a disappearing at. And it's working, I'm losing everyone and everything.