This is something I could relate to extremely well. It was made by a girl I subscribe to on youtube, and I hope you find it just as helpful as I did.

I know it doesn't have any answers or anything, but I fould it helped me feel more determined towards living a healthy life that I can be proud of someday.

The whole "self hate" episode I was having this morning I guess is due to last night. We went out to eat, and I'd have to say I did good. I didn't refuse food, and I didn't order the greesiest thing on the menu either. I got the soup and salad deal and ate my side salad and my soup and I felt full and better.

But then we went to the supermarket and I had a little run in with some obsessive behaviors of mine. I think the insecurity after eating was what it might have branched off from. Anyway, I insisted we had to go to the bread section, spent at least an hour there, I swear, while I read the nutrition label of every package they had, ranting on about how they don't tell you everything because there's this conspiracy to make us fat or something. My mom was all worried and was trying to make me leave but then I saw the peanut butter and started going on about that, and read every brand I saw and compared them...I felt like I had to, just in case, for later, if I ever needed to know. It was very important.

The thing is, I could have stopped myself, I do have control over my own actions, so I feel bad for surrendering into that behavior. Went home and shoved slices and slices of toast with peanut butter and regular butter slathered on them. I just don't know what was happening last night, it was the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten but I really wanted it, like a pregnant lady or something. Haha.

Anyway, I woke up and realized everything that had happened and I just...snapped. I feel really bad and really stupid, you know?

Anyway, yesterday still wasn't a failure, I did normally in a restaurant and i enjoyed it. I know if I can do that, I can do it again.

Venting ahead.  

I can't take it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I really hate myself right now. I can't stand myself, I can't take it. I can't go to any friends or family, I know what they will all say, they will all shake their heads in pity and tell me I'm crazy, tell me I'm being stupid, tell me that it's not true and it's just my warped view. But it's all I've ever seen, it's what I know, it's what I feel.

I feel so, so fat. I feel so disgusting. I can't stop putting myself down, beating myself up about it. I just can't stand myself, I really can't. I mean, I considered taking a knife to myself last night I was so angry. I'm just so infuriated with me. Every inch of me is just stinging with pain and hate. I hate myself, I hate myself. I don't know...I don't want to look like this. I feel disgusting.

Friends like to think that they understand this, they openly go on and on about how they hate themselves too. But they don't...they don't hate themselves. They let themselves eat and sleep, they let themselves read and relax and enjoy things. I can't , I won't, do any of those things and it's my fault. God, I can't stop going back on and on again to pro-ana sites and I just so badly wish for something to take me away so I don't have to do this anymore.

I have to go to school now, and I don't have today planned...I don't have it planned to be healthy or unhealthy or anything. I just don't want to think about it anymore. Oh, but I know I will, I will. I will obsess over it like I always do.